Is it just me, or did the article itself offer a "vague explanation that trails off into awkward silence"?

It was interesting enough, but with that start I was hoping for something more along the lines of "the water shoots at this angle and the poop that's still stuck to your bum heads thataway."
posted by clawsoon at 3:45 PM on January 11 [34 favorites]

It's weird that it keeps talking about how people in the 1600s didn't have baths. Like, they cared so much about bathing, they literally invented a bathtub specifically for their undercarriages.
posted by mittens at 4:44 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

I was a little surprised to find that my partner didn't think that bidets were intended for anything toilet adjacent and instead just thought they were for washing one's feet. Having really only read about them, I was forced to concede I might be incorrect, but you can bet I'll be presenting this article as exhibit A in the appeal.
posted by pulposus at 4:49 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

I have one of those toilet attachments and it's great. I recommend it to everyone.

However, I have no idea how one uses the kinds of bidets I see in Europe, in which there's a separate toilet with an upward spout dead center. How are you supposed to use it?
posted by dobbs at 5:00 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

Like a sink for your underparts. Most of the time it's not an upward spout, it's a drain. There's a faucet in the back you use to wash underneath.

Japanese bidets are really another thing entirely. The typical French or Italian bidet is a butt sink.
posted by fiercekitten at 5:11 PM on January 11 [7 favorites]

> Is it just me, or did the article itself offer a "vague explanation that trails off into awkward silence"?
It did but then there's nothing to say that isn't obvious, I guess

> It was interesting enough, but with that start I was hoping for something more
> along the lines of "the water shoots at this angle and the poop that's still stuck
> to your bum heads thataway."
I rest my case. I suspect the reason these haven't caught on in the US is the, well, C17 sensibilities of a lot of people when it comes to this sort of thing. With that in mind, I won't elaborate further here but if anyone really wants to know more feel free to message me. It's about as simple as you should imagine though.

> However, I have no idea how one uses the kinds of bidets I see in Europe,
> in which there's a separate toilet with an upward spout dead center. How
> are you supposed to use it?
Per the article, some can just be filled and be a basin convniently positioned for the purpose, like a typical bathroom sink is a basin conveniently positioned for washing your hands and face. If there's a centre spout then you can use that just like your toilet-seat fitted bidet. Doesn't flush as easily afterwards though.

On preview: A Japanese (toilet-seat) bidet is indeed more than just a basin - it's a controllable jet thagets to all the right places. And I second the sentiment that it's something you'll wonder how you managed without. The toilet paper way seems barbarian by comparison.
posted by merlynkline at 5:13 PM on January 11 [7 favorites]

Japanese bidets FTW. We got one at the start of the pandemic and I am never, ever going back. We started with a BioBidet that had a tank, and the water pressure was amazing. But it had an issue where it would occasionally leak water out of the side while in an errant auto-clean mode, which led me at one point to believe that our toilet seal had broken and, well, I learned how to remove and re-mount a toilet. Then it happened again about a year later and I realized what was going on. We replaced it with a tankless bidet from Alpha, and while I like that it never runs out of warm water, it doesn't have quite the gusto that the BB had. We'll be getting another one for the master bath at some point and I think I'll go back to the BioBidet or another tanked version for that.

What I don't get, among bidet boosterism, is how people think it replaces toilet paper. It most definitely does not. It merely reduces usage, even if often by orders of magnitude.
posted by grumpybear69 at 5:17 PM on January 11 [14 favorites]

> What I don't get, among bidet boosterism, is how people think it replaces
> toilet paper. It most definitely does not. It merely reduces usage, even if
> often by orders of magnitude.
Well all I can say is I haven't used paper since we got one. Being forced to do so when out and about now feels barbarian. (Male urinating equipment here BTW; females in my house still use paper for that.)
posted by merlynkline at 5:23 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

Get yourself a shower hose and screw an adjustable-flow shower head on the end of it. Dial the head to "thin concentrated blast".

The remainder of the solution is left as an exercise for the student.
posted by Lemkin at 5:25 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

> Get yourself a shower hose and screw an adjustable-flow shower
> head on the end of it. Dial the head to "thin concentrated blast".
More what you get in the middle east than the far east.

> The remainder of the solution is left as an exercise for the student.
Hence the problem that the article claimed (but failed) to address, I suppose
posted by merlynkline at 5:30 PM on January 11 [5 favorites]

buuut .. then you dry it down down there somehow, right? .. how?
posted by the antecedent of that pronoun at 5:38 PM on January 11 [5 favorites]

> buuut .. then you dry it down down there somehow, right? .. how?
I use a towel. I trust the machinery or I wash further with soap. A lot of places I stayed in Japan didn't have towels or sinks in the toilets, which were in separate rooms from the bathroom, so I would pat dry with paper. I'm sure people have their own processes.
posted by merlynkline at 5:50 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

OK, confusion solved. We have a Japanese style that you can angle the nozzle to spritz the spray right on the button, so to speak. Look ma, no hands. I love it. No need for plumbing or room for a separate fixture.

When we were overseas, I couldn't figure out how to work the French/Italian style, not realizing it was just a low sink. No wonder a towel is necessary. More laundry, phooie!

I don't like it. No towel please. Just a delicate pat dry with a small piece of paper, and you're on your way. (After flushing and washing hands, of course.)
posted by BlueHorse at 6:03 PM on January 11 [2 favorites]

For the "Japanese" style: there are the inexpensive bidet "attachments" that install under your current toilet seat. Just works on normal water pressure, and takes a bit of "setup" to get to the correct spots. I considered mine the "starter" bidet.

Then there are the bidets that cost 200 bucks and up, and have heated seats, heated water, drying fans, several "angle adjustments", etc. (Some of the "attachment" style inexpensive bidets also have hot water, but I have no idea how they work). For the "heated" toilet seat bidets you will need an electrical outlet close to your toilet. My Toto Washlet was reasonably easy to install, and....like others have said, I'll never go back. I had several reasons to "need" one, which we will not go into here, but believe me...if you have any "discomfort" in these areas, you NEED to try a bidet.
I purchased my "starter" bidet at about the start of the pandemic.....and just before the big Toilet Paper Panic Of 2020. I had purchased a 30 roll Costco toilet paper bundle before the "Panic". Of those 30 rolls: I gave away 10 rolls to friends who were running out.....have used maybe 5 rolls....and have about 15 rolls left. Most of the rolls I used were probably as I was getting used to my new bidet. Or for blowing my nose.
What I have also gotten used to is using a small towel to "dry" myself. I have a stack of these next to the toilet, do what I need, use the bidet, blow dry with the wonderful warm air, and pat dry with my small pack of towels. They go right into a small container next to the toilet to be washed and reused.

There are also times: where the bidet is used "just because I feel hot and sticky". There, complete confession!
posted by pthomas745 at 6:52 PM on January 11 [10 favorites]

> buuut .. then you dry it down down there somehow, right? .. how?
I use a towel. I trust the machinery or I wash further with soap.

In the past, it tended to be bidet evangelists extolling the virtues of TP-less toilet use. It gave me the impression of those weirdos who are averse to touching their butts in any way. In my view, the goal was always to have a reasonably clean, dry ass, with "just TP" at one end of the spectrum, and a full bath at the other, not to stake out a bidet line in the sand and hold out to the shitty end.

I have a bidet attachment that works fine. The "eliminate toilet paper" enthusiasts always puzzled me, and now I'm hearing the idea to use a towel instead. I can't see how this is any kind of improvement. In fact, with the way my bathroom is arranged, if I'm resigned to washing with soap and towel, I'm not sure how the bidet itself is much of an improvement.
posted by 2N2222 at 7:31 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

I thought I knew about bidets but between the article and these comments I think I know less than before. Muddying the waters, so to speak.
posted by edward_5000 at 7:37 PM on January 11 [12 favorites]

limerick
posted by hortense at 7:44 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

I ran into what must have been a specially designed bidet in the Geilert spa in Budapest. It wasn't a basin, and there was no toilet - instead, you walked into a fully tiled small room, and there was a shower head on the floor pointing straight up, and over it was a short three legged metal stool with a very big hole in the seat. You dropped trou, sat down, and pushed a button on the wall and FOOM.

What, of course I tried it. I'd already been hopping in and out of all the other pools and tubs and steam rooms and so I was already plenty clean, but it certainly was refreshing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:15 PM on January 11 [6 favorites]

I managed to spend four years in Japan without ever using one of these. One time I pushed the button by mistake in a hotel but I dived out of the way before it could get me.

I¡¯m going to assume the spray is aimed exactly right and all, but it¡¯s just water, no soap, so how good can it be really? And then I just have bad luck with surface tension I guess but sometimes I pour water out of a pot and it kind of runs down along the side of the pot and then drips off the lowest point and my cheeks hang lowest so does it just run down the side and off one cheek or the other or what?
posted by The Monster at the End of this Thread at 8:20 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

In my early 20s I rented in a shared flat that had one and I don¡¯t think any of us ever
worked up the nerve to try it.
posted by brachiopod at 8:27 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

(Warning: frank discussion of unusual bodily hygiene habits)

TFA is real coy (and so are many comments in this thread), so I thought I would describe my own relationship with bidets in graphic detail, to "break the ice", as it were.

I grew up in the US, but my parents were cultured and sophisticated back then, so we have had a bidet in the house ever since I was a toddler. I don't know if this is normal, but the jet was pointed up perfectly vertical, and it was strong enough to strip the popcorn ceiling if you turned the handle all the way without sitting down first. (And god help you if you sat down first!)

I assume that the intended use of such a bidet is to spray away any fecal matter that has been deposited on and around your anus, but I quickly learned to adjust the pressure so that the stream penetrates my anus and collects in my rectum. This has two use-cases. First, you can flush out any feces that are too small for your colon to push out, but large enough to be noticeable. Such a satisfying feeling of completion. Second, if you're constipated, you can soak the hardened blockage to soften it, or even physically ablate it by turning up the pressure if you don't mind risking damage to your anus. Think of it as an ad-hoc, on-demand, low effort enema that's easy to self-administer and much more effective than a "real" enema. Did I mention that the temperature of the water was adjustable, too? Warm water really helps you relax those interior muscles.

I have since moved to Japan, where shower toilets are nearly ubiquitous. (Note: shower toilets are distinct enough from bidets to deserve a separate name, and "Washlet" is a registered trademark of Toto Ltd.) Shower toilets can be lacking in power, but make up for it in three ways. First, they are built into the toilet, so there is no need to make a precarious transition between two fixtures while worrying about dropping dookies in-between. Second, the stream is much narrower, making it easier to relax your sphincter and get it all inside. Third, the stream is angled forward instead of perfectly vertical, which helps form a straight line from the nozzle, through your anus, and along your colon. The only problem is that many shower toilets in public restrooms will be programmed to emit cold water during the summer months, which probably doesn't bother people who use them in the traditional "exterior" manner.
posted by The genius who rejected Anno's budget proposal. at 8:35 PM on January 11 [25 favorites]

TMI warning!

I¡¯m a typical toilet-paper user from the US, or at least I was, for decades.

In Islam we¡¯re obliged to keep our skin and clothes free of urine and poop. I moved to Spain three years ago this month, converted to Islam two months later, and before long developed a deep appreciation for the Spain-standard bidet in the bathroom. Thank you God.
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 8:49 PM on January 11 [5 favorites]

My travel writer friends and I used to joke about putting together one of those travel-gone-wrong collections and calling it ¡°Who Crapped in the Bidet?¡±
posted by gottabefunky at 8:59 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

We have been using one of the fancier attachments from BioBidet to add a touch of comfort and civility to our Cascadian home for the last five years .
Game changing. Life altering.

It replaces the toilet seat and lid, warms the seat when you sit, heats our crisp clean snowmelt-fed tap water to perfect comfort, and then fans you dry with warm air at the end of it all. All these temperatures are adjustable.
Pat dry with TP if you don't have time to luxuriate.

A better life is possible my friends.
posted by The Legit Republic of Blanketsburg at 9:17 PM on January 11 [12 favorites]

A trip to Tokyo got me my first bidet experience and I will never return to the old savage ways again. TOTO WASHLET 4EVA
posted by FatherDagon at 9:33 PM on January 11 [4 favorites]

Years of reading Metafilter and this is what gets me to create an account...

> but it¡¯s just water, no soap, so how good can it be really?
Better than just paper and dry friction I suppose. Sounds like the Italian/French ones are set up to give yourself a proper bath. I never realized that's how they're used.

We have two Japanese style bidets. One Tushy basic model that cost less than $100 and a Washlet which was a more expensive attachment to a toilet with a price I'm ashamed of. The basic one bolts onto your toilet and runs off the pressure of the water line. If you mixed in a hot water line I suppose you could warm it up that way otherwise there's no heater, no power. That was a shocker at first, but I got used to it quickly. The Washlet has heated water, a blower, a seat warmer and a little remote control that the kids really enjoy. Sounds great? I like it but not as much. The jet is generated by a little motor that takes a few moments to spin up and it spouts less water with less pressure. And you'd be wiping again like a common barbarian if the power lines went down.

I'm in harmony with The genius's comment above. Do others not power wash like this? The process was never obvious to me and I'm a bathroom Olympian, so no excuses for being coy about it. More water pressure and the right angle cleans out the sphincter. I sometimes need to take more time or go back in with the Washlet because when I dab it all dry I can see it'll have missed something. But thumbs up to both. I don't want to go back.

> so does it just run down the side and off one cheek?
You get a little wet, but I'm fine blotting it with paper. It's not so much that you need to take off your pants to go. I hear some people keep small washable towels for the task.
posted by telepsism at 9:34 PM on January 11 [11 favorites]

I have the humble spray head on a hose. It hangs on the wall and I pick it up and point where I need it to go. I sometimes use a dab of liquid soap but not most times. I am tough and use cold water in all seasons. Since I live in Austin summer lasts about 8-9 months a year so its no hardship.

Useful as a douche, too. Pure water and no chemicals. Barely use any paper at all, only when I go crazy washing the whole groin. I'm disabled and find it difficult to shower and the bidet takes care of most of the smelly bits.

Another good point about the hose and nozzle is it is easy to rinse out the toilet when cleaning, and if you have babies you can rinse the poo off of washable diapers. Back when I used to bike it was a great way to refresh after a ride.

I had to laugh when the article hints that puritans inn the US no longer had to be aware of bidets after all the brothels went away. I'm not aware that brothels ever "went away" maybe only the ones with fancy French bidets vanished.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 10:02 PM on January 11 [6 favorites]

Also, welcome to the hive telepsism! We are very frank about our bathrooms secrets here and we seem to love discussing all the bathroom things.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 10:05 PM on January 11 [7 favorites]

Thanks! I'm here for it.
posted by telepsism at 10:33 PM on January 11 [6 favorites]

I apologize for sounding a little condescending but I don't know how to phrase this comment otherwise... A bidet attachment to your toilet is, in its essence, a pressurized stream of water that hits your butthole. It's not perfect. It might be cold unless you get a heated one. But that's basically what it is -- just a stream of water aimed at your butthole. You can move around so it covers more of the surrounding area but you don't have to. Its primary target is your butthole -- if you have clean cheeks, it's all good.

You will probably still need toilet paper to wipe a bit both before and after, but not nearly as much as you'd need without a pressurized stream of water hitting your butthole. It can be painful if you turn it up too high but you can control the pressure and make it an entirely pleasant or at least tolerable experience. Way more so than scraping your delicate butthole raw with dry paper until you no longer see a stain
posted by treepour at 10:38 PM on January 11 [6 favorites]

I am worried about US Americans' general knowledge of human anatomy when this topic comes up.

Do we have to break out the mirrors on this one?

It's that most people use lathered washcloths in the shower, right? So they don't have to learn
posted by eustatic at 10:46 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Should one not be concerned about increased water usage with this solution, while America's second-largest city burns to the ground? For sustainability reasons I like the idea of a separating toilet which is 100% incompatible with a bidet.
Last year I stayed at a hotel in the Algarve that had a little shower head on a hose next to the toilet and no paper to be found. Which, OK. But for other uses of sanitary paper what was I to do? Wipe the nose? Cover shaving knick? Improvise Q-tip?
posted by St. Oops at 11:02 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Is it just me, or did the article itself offer a "vague explanation that trails off into awkward silence"?

Yep. Try WikiHow or Healthline for more detail. I think drying is the biggest problem unless you have one of those air-dryer gadgets built in.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 12:25 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

First time I saw one I assumed it was a dog¡¯s drinking fountain. Sort of a last ditch compromise solution to them drinking out of the toilet. I thought those people were really good to their dogs.
posted by Phanx at 1:08 AM on January 12 [6 favorites]

And you'd be wiping again like a common barbarian if the power lines went down.

That was one of my big gripes when we lost power for several days after hurricane Helene! My wife and I built a new house that we moved into in July and based on previous trials with (relatively) inexpensive bidet seats like this one we had electrical outlets put in so we could get the fancy Toto seats with heating, air dry, etc. We have become evangelists for them and it seems to me that despite the title of the post, the US is definitely warming up to them. Our toilet paper use has gone to almost nothing; just a few squares to pat dry with when you are done if you don¡¯t feel like waiting for the air dryer to do its job.

European style bidets are definitely a different beast. My biggest problem with them in the limited times I have used one is that it seems hard to position myself over them properly while wearing pants. And it appears they are designed less to sit on than to squat over, which can be awkward for larger folks such as myself.
posted by TedW at 2:55 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Bidet fans, please help me understand...

Suppose I have a localised sample of some soft substance that I wish to be everywhere in trace amounts. I can think of few better approaches than to subject it to a high pressure water jet, for which I can imagine several commingled consequences, viz.

• Some fraction of the material is broken into very tiny parts that are effectively aerosolised. These are carried about by air currents (likely fairly turbulent ones in the vicinity of the jet) and deposit themselves on surfaces at various distances from the target site.
• Another fraction is broken into parts that are not so tiny (but still quite small) which are vaulted into short ballistic trajectories before they contact nearby surfaces, to which they may or may not adhere.
• A third fraction would become entrained in the water streaming away from the target site. These rivulets would not suspend the material indefinitely but would instead initiate a kind of sedimentary process not dissimilar in principle to how the material of the ancient Appalachians was washed eastward by rains and snows to form the barely-perceptible slopes of the Piedmont Plateau.
• Finally, I suppose the bulk of the material would eventually slump off like some grotesque berserk parade float, leaving behind a similar trail of deposition.

Although all visual traces of the original sample are now gone, these combined sequelae together would achieve what I might think of as the "Bannon Scenario", at least in residue form, affecting a region much larger than what I was dealing with previously. From this standpoint, how are bidets not kinda gross?
posted by Chef Flamboyardee at 3:08 AM on January 12 [6 favorites]

buuut .. then you dry it down down there somehow, right? .. how?

So I was just in Brazil and many places you stay will warn you not to throw anything in the toilet, including toilet paper, because the sewers clog easily. The toilet paper is supposed to go in a little waste basket next to the toilet after use.

They don't have bidets, but many places do have a mini shower hose (chuveirinho) you can use to achieve the same effect of washing first. This has the advantage that the toilet paper you do use is then mostly just used to dry, so putting it in the waste basket feels less gross than putting actually dirty toilet paper in there.

I guess this is one way a bidet user might get around the drying issue if they don't have the fancy Japanese toilet with built-in blow dryer.
posted by pulposus at 3:39 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

I¡¯ve toured a lot of historic homes¡ªsomething my family really enjoyed. I was the kid asking questions that tour guides weren¡¯t always ready to answer.

On one memorable occasion during the 1970s I pointed out an unusual piece of furniture, asking its identity and purpose. In this case it was a charming little thing resembling a piano. ¡°It¡¯s a bidet,¡± the guide replied in a quiet voice.

¡°What¡¯s it for?¡± I demanded to know.

Everyone crowded into the elegant bedroom fell silent.

¡°It¡¯s for¡­ washing,¡± came the uncomfortable reply, and the guide hurried us into the next chamber. But to a curious kid this suggested grim and mysterious realities to which I was not yet privy. It was years before I learned more.
posted by kinnakeet at 4:13 AM on January 12 [12 favorites]

Thank you to nearly everyone on here who managed to discuss genitalia without gendering them, but reminder that "male urinating equipment" is a weird and unnecessarily transphobic thing to say.
posted by wicked_sassy at 4:26 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

There's entirely too much trailing-off going on in there.

They were kind of a big deal ¨C just think about what the options were before it (and certainly before toilet paper). The Ancient Greeks are thought to have used clay, the Romans attached a sponge to a stick and other options included leaves of course, animal fur and corn cobs.

Let us attend to that.

How Gargantua's wonderful understanding became known to his father Grangousier, by the invention of a torchecul or wipebreech.
posted by flabdablet at 5:05 AM on January 12 [5 favorites]

Suppose I have a localised sample of some soft substance that I wish to be everywhere in trace amounts. I can think of few better approaches than to subject it to a high pressure water jet, for which I can imagine several commingled consequences...

Most bidets I've encountered (and I've encountered many especially recently in Turkey) are not a high pressure stream.

Some fraction of the material is broken into very tiny parts that are effectively aerosolised. These are carried about by air currents (likely fairly turbulent ones in the vicinity of the jet) and deposit themselves on surfaces at various distances from the target site.

The stream of water from a bidet isn't powerful enough to aerolsolise anything. It's a fairly gentle stream, just strong enough to rinse your anus and the area around it.

Another fraction is broken into parts that are not so tiny (but still quite small) which are vaulted into short ballistic trajectories before they contact nearby surfaces, to which they may or may not adhere.

The water streams over your anus gently but firmly, and runs down into the toilet. There is no splashing or spraying or rebounding. The shit rinses off along with the water and ends up in the bottom of the toilet and nowhere else.

A third fraction would become entrained in the water streaming away from the target site. These rivulets would not suspend the material indefinitely but would instead initiate a kind of sedimentary process not dissimilar in principle to how the material of the ancient Appalachians was washed eastward by rains and snows to form the barely-perceptible slopes of the Piedmont Plateau.

I think I answered this already with my previous response? But I'm not sure what this means. If you mean watery shit is washed onto your thighs or other parts of your butt, no, that doesn't happen. The water doesn't wash or spray around that much. People are different, people's body's and poop and bidet setups are different, so maybe this is how it will be for some? But I doubt it.


Finally, I suppose the bulk of the material would eventually slump off like some grotesque berserk parade float, leaving behind a similar trail of deposition.

I guess it depends on the consistency of the shit stuck to your rectum after you finish pooping? If there was an enormous wad of shit there, that would be more of a problem to deal with using toilet paper. Typically there is a fairly small amount.

So here's the thing. Many people (in Turkey that I know about, and I'm fairly sure in other countries as well ) don't wipe themselves with toilet paper after using a bidet, they use their bare hand. Then they wash their hand. If you find that horrifying, you can pat yourself dry with a bit of toilet paper rather than using your hand.

I think it's possible that the whole "you don't need toilet paper" thing is a bit of a red herring (for some reason that seems like an uncomfortable metaphor to use in the context of bidets?). Many people use bidets. Some of them use toilet paper, others don't. Bidets aren't really a toilet paper replacement, they're just a much better way to keep your butt clean than paper is. What I mean is - don't get a bidet if your only goal is that you never want to use toilet paper again. Get a bidet if you want a cleaner butt.

I found using one a bit odd at first, but now that I'm used to using one, there's just no way I feel properly clean after just using paper.
posted by Zumbador at 5:28 AM on January 12 [9 favorites]

Should one not be concerned about increased water usage with this solution

"it takes about 473,587,500,000 gallons of water to produce all that toilet paper for Americans"
posted by mittens at 5:31 AM on January 12 [15 favorites]

> "male urinating equipment" is a weird and unnecessarily transphobic thing to say
Sincere apologies. I was trying to come up with a way to describe why I (a cis-gendered male) do not need to use paper at all since we installed a toilet-seat bidet, while others in my household (cis-gendered females) do, and that this has nothing to do with the most common function of bidets, but rather to do with urination. I concede that I failed and in the light of the new day would welcome suggestions for a better way to have put this, privately if you prefer. FWIW, definitely no transphobic intention here and I apologise again.
posted by merlynkline at 5:33 AM on January 12 [5 favorites]

Something I don't see mentioned in this thread yet: haemorrhoids. Sufferers will likely find even more benefits from using a bidet of any sort.
posted by merlynkline at 5:45 AM on January 12 [10 favorites]

Absolutely merlynkline - bidets are much better to use when you're dealing with anything like haemorrhoids and anal fissures.

Also, people with vaginas having to deal with blood and discharge.
posted by Zumbador at 5:50 AM on January 12 [3 favorites]

This deep in the thread and no one has mentioned Redd Foxx yet?
posted by Lemkin at 6:05 AM on January 12 [6 favorites]

Suppose I have a localised sample of some soft substance that I wish to be everywhere in trace amounts. I can think of few better approaches than to subject it to a high pressure water jet, for which I can imagine several commingled consequences...

It ain't a power washer, people's bits are sensitive. Think, like, the force of a really good drinking water fountain; strong enough that it does something but not so strong that it'd blast you off the seat.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:06 AM on January 12 [7 favorites]

The complex and unrealistic scenarios the bidet-ignorant come up with in these discussions are always a delight.
posted by Captaintripps at 6:46 AM on January 12 [7 favorites]

BioBidet user here, bought one at the beginning of the pandemic like a lot of folks. I now hate traveling because I have to use paper :|

For drying // cleanliness, we use small rags and a little collection bag. I dry myself off after the washlet dryer has done it's job, and just toss the wet-but-generally-clean rag into the bag. We wash them in a normal laundry cycle (sometimes the sanitize cycle?) when we have enough.

I'd say we've reduced toilet paper usage by at least 4-10x. I use it once in a blue moon and my partner uses it infrequently.
posted by opinions at 6:53 AM on January 12 [3 favorites]

It ain't a power washer, people's bits are sensitive

Gargantua:

... after that I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson satin, but there was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdy round things, a pox take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance.

posted by flabdablet at 7:20 AM on January 12 [5 favorites]

Are we at Best of the Web yet? I sincerely think we got there a while back, when someone's butt starred in an action movie called Not Today, Bidet! edit to add: it was The Monster at the End of this Thread's butt, Oscar worthy performance
posted by ginger.beef at 7:35 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

I got a Toto Washlet with a remote control for my mom last year, as she is elderly and disabled, and now additional Washlets are being installed, one by one, in the homes of the people that take turns taking care of her.
The remote control makes a bathroom visit an entirely hands-free operation, but I am still unable to break the habit of washing my hands afterwards.
posted by the Real Dan at 8:13 AM on January 12 [3 favorites]

I've used a bidet - but mostly use toilet paper and have no issues with how dirty my butt is, and I've never found that bidets help that much without at least some scrubbing, but I've never used a good one like they have in Japan.

IMO it depends on the poop - your regular slider is great with a bidet but one of those peanut butter ones is just a lot of extra work. Also the water up there isn't uncomfortable, but it's not a great feeling either. And if you live some where where the tap water temperature can be 50F or lower in the winter, be sure to get a heated one because that is a jarring feeling.

I honestly have no preference for a bidet vs toilet paper. I don't think bidets are nearly as life changing as the proponents say nor as pointless as the detractors think. I do think they should be far more common in the US.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:13 AM on January 12 [3 favorites]

Something I don't see mentioned in this thread yet: haemorrhoids. Sufferers will likely find even more benefits from using a bidet of any sort.

YES.
posted by grumpybear69 at 8:44 AM on January 12 [3 favorites]

For those wondering how water without soap could get you clean: dilution is the solution to polution. If smell is any indicator, water is far better than just paper. Paper leaves a (mostly invisible to the wiper) residue, whereas water rinses far more of it away. And if you menstruate, well, a bidet feature will change your life.

I visited Japan last year after over 20 years of being away, and I was floored that literally every toilet I visited except for one in a park was bidet-style, and also I swear I saw some of the same models of washlet from 20 years ago, plastic yellowed with age but otherwise still working. When I got back home I found a place here in Amsterdam that could install Toto Washlets in our bathrooms without having to modify the walls or anything, so now we have washlets!

Not that we needed it, but they also have an automatic lid feature, so when you walk up to them they lift the lid automatically for you like, "Hiiii!!!!!" (which can give unsuspecting guests a bit of a scare). And if you stand to pee there's a button you can press and it'll lift the seat, too, without you having to lean over and touch things. When you're done you just walk away and it closes everything for you. They can be a bit spendy if you compare the price to a bare toilet, but maybe worth it considering the toilet is probably the most-used appliance in the house (depending on your coffee habit.. but then that probably effects your toilet habit, anyway).
posted by antinomia at 8:56 AM on January 12 [2 favorites]

We use a $50 washlet attachment from a company called Tushy. It's great. It was recommended by Kyle Kinane in a bit about his girlfriend recommending this in the neighborhood group chat during COVID.

People in the chat were complaining about how hard toilet paper was to find and she intended to reply by recommending this washlet but incorrectly recalled the website as Tushy Dot Com. So, as Kinane describes it, she essentially made a post in the neighborhood group chat that said: "You know what has really helped us? [aggressive butt stuff porn site]."

The washlet really is great for the money though.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:03 AM on January 12 [3 favorites]

It ain't a power washer, people's bits are sensitive.

It ain¡¯t usually a power washer. An unfamiliar bidet is like an edible: start low, go slow. The after-market attachments are directly proportional to the water pressure in the house, so if you¡¯re really happy with your shower, you might be able to deliver yourself a laser-like experience with a Tushy on full blast. I¡¯ve had a similar experience on a vacation with one of the hose-sprayer sorts. Usually you just turn on the tap and the button on the spray head is fine, but with this one I thought my eyes were going to pop out on little cartoon whale-spouts. This was well into ¡°they should have posted a warning¡± territory. I had to verify I was not bleeding after.

I distinctly prefer the integrated Japanese style bidet to the European style, with the hose-sprayer type coming in a viable second. Fortunately I got my current house early enough in the build process to have my choice, because even knowing how to use a European one and not being super squeamish about it, it still just seems awkward as all hell. My home toilets have an air-dry setting, which solves for most of the ¡°how do you dry¡± question, but if you don¡¯t have that, blotting dry requires a minuscule amount of toilet paper compared to plain old wiping. To be a bit gross, the blotting can also serve as evidence for the skeptical of just how effective the bidet was, which it really is. Ever had one of those experiences where you¡¯re already worried about clogging the toilet with paper and you¡¯re like, ¡°how is this situation still not clean?¡± Integrated bidets are the answer to that. They just work.

A lot of people (I was initially one of them) assume they¡¯d need a heated one, and are turned off by the assumed need to run a hot water or electric line, but in my experience the otherwise-sensitive areas are a lot less sensitive to tap-cold water than you might otherwise assume. It became slightly more attention-getting during Denver winters, but we¡¯re not talking an ice plunge here. Warm water should be considered more a luxury than a necessity here.

At this point I kind of hate having to go someplace where a bidet is not available. For traveling something like this can still be surprisingly more effective than dry paper.
posted by gelfin at 9:32 AM on January 12 [3 favorites]

I grew up with bidets, and over the years have developed several techniques for ensuring a clean butt after each poop. Generally, I use toilet paper for my first pass, and water for the second. These days, I poop before my shower, so am able to use the shower water + soap to clean the area. I use the thumb and third+fourth+fifth fingers to spread my anus, and then use the pad of my index finger to rub the area clean. There is no direct contact between my index finger and bum, as there is a stream of water between the two surfaces. I take care to keep my nails trim, and wash my hands thoroughly afterwards.

When I have access to a bidet and am not showering, I use the same principle, and will often apply hand soap to my fingers for the final pass.

If I don't have access to a bidet, there are a few solutions that work in public toilets.

1: Bring a bottle of water into toilet. You can then pour the bottle down the crack of your butt to get a stream going.

2: Bring bottle of water into toilet. Use dry TP for first pass. Use water to dampen toilet paper for second pass. For wet passes, do not rub the TP against bum - instead, hold it against bum with a bit of pressure and apply light circular motions. Then alternate between wet and dry TP passes, ending with a dry pass. For all wet TP passes, spreading anus using aforementioned technique really helps to expose maximum surface area for cleaning.

3: For emergencies, if the toilet bowl is in good condition and the flush is powerful enough, you can flush, and then dip TP into the stream of flush water (taking care not to touch the bowl with the TP), and use this for the wet TP passes. This last one can use up a fair amount of water if you do multiple flushes (one for each wet TP pass).

I never get skid marks or itchy bum.
posted by spacediver at 10:10 AM on January 12 [5 favorites]

one of those peanut butter ones

Satan's Toothpaste
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 10:31 AM on January 12 [3 favorites]

Satan's greasy Toothpaste.
posted by flabdablet at 10:35 AM on January 12

If I don't have access to a bidet, there are a few solutions that work in public toilets.

Toto makes a portable Washlet
posted by chavenet at 11:50 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

mostly use toilet paper and have no issues with how dirty my butt is

William McInnes in Conversations with Richard Fidler, from an anecdote starting 38 minutes in:

I been meaning to have a word with you, boy. You gotta wipe your arse properly, because your mother is getting sick and tired of pickin up yer Reg Grundys with all the Richard Widmarks.

posted by flabdablet at 11:54 AM on January 12 [1 favorite]

What's stressing me out reading all of this--and among news stories about the alarming rise of norovirus--is the emphasis on having a "clean" bum that isn't sanitized (no soap) and also WHO CARES IF YOUR BUTT ISN'T "CLEAN" 24/7?! You're not touching doorknobs with your butt, you're not eating a sandwich with your butt. And even if you were? The soapless bidet isn't enough to sanitize the surface of your butt.

Because if you're handling bidet attachments and toilet paper and a little towel dedicated to blotting away poop water, and possibly using your bare hand to wipe up, are you not also touching your underwear, your clothes, the doorknobs, etc. with hands that just touched fecal matter? How is that not problematic??

Sorry, I'm just a germaphobe (specifically of fecal-borne germs) who doesn't see why a daily shower can't get the job done.
posted by knotty knots at 1:03 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

WHO CARES IF YOUR BUTT ISN'T "CLEAN" 24/7?!

Because if you're handling bidet attachments and toilet paper and a little towel dedicated to blotting away poop water...

These are fair points I think. I personally care if my butt isn't clean, but that's likely because I'm so used to having a clean butt that it's psychologically difficult (but not impossible) for me to be fully relaxed without one. On a practical level though, not having to deal with skid marks (or even a hint of a stain/scent) and itchy bum are worthwhile perks for me.

I've also developed a deeply instinctive awareness of which parts of my hands are dirty and take great care not to touch faucets etc. with them. This same awareness guides me when I'm cleaning the kitchen also. I often use my elbow to turn on the kitchen faucet for that reason. That said, I suspect I'm abnormally fastidious about such things, and so to steelman your position, the question is whether we'd actually be better off from a global public health perspective if everyone adopted the use of bidets, and in particular used a more "hands on" approach as I do.
posted by spacediver at 3:16 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

You're not touching doorknobs with your butt

oh so now we're kink shaming
posted by ginger.beef at 3:24 PM on January 12 [8 favorites]

You ever live in a country where toilet paper and water aren't readily available as an afterthought?

There is a reason the left hand is never the hand of greeting, gift giving, etc in some countries
posted by ginger.beef at 3:26 PM on January 12 [2 favorites]

but reminder that "male urinating equipment" is a weird and unnecessarily transphobic thing to say

I hate having to make this digression, but please tell what is transphobic about the statement you are quoting. The man was simply stating a fact that was pertinent to the differing uses of a bidet and toilet paper in his house. In your opinion, would ¡°penis¡± carry less baggage? I¡¯m a very liberal-minded person, but when people take umbrage with simple facts like this (also not given in any offensive context) then I think the problem is with the reader. You¡¯re viewing everything through an unnecessarily critical lens. This is the sort of stuff that makes many people think we¡¯re nuts.

But he made a full and unequivocal apology anyway, so I hope you¡¯re happy.
posted by khrusanthemon at 3:43 PM on January 12 [5 favorites]

At least some French people have started adopting the bumb gun from SE Asia. A bum gun requires care, because of the failure modes, like spraying sit everywhere, but it's definitely the most flexible bidet.

Japan has wonderful bidet toilet seats. I dislike those thin plastic bidet that insert below a regular toilet seat though, usually the plastic just retains the mess.

Also, if you've never watched it then This Unicorn Changed the Way is pretty funny.
posted by jeffburdges at 3:54 PM on January 12 [3 favorites]

For traveling, something like this is very useful. Especially if you can find a large water bottle that can replace the supplied tank, often way too small.
posted by grumpybear69 at 4:02 PM on January 12 [2 favorites]

This is one of the funniest and most informative threads I have read in my 11 years on MeFi. :)

I don't have a bidet of any kind. But for many years I have stuck my arse in the shower after dropping the logs off (with a single wipe of paper to remove the bulk of any clinging poo). Obviously that is only practical when at home, and I do have installing an aftermarket bidet on the To Do list.

The downside is that bidets are basically unknown here, even in private dwellings, so having a shit when out of the house feels dirty now.

And you'd be wiping again like a common barbarian if the power lines went down.
posted by telepsism

I'll wager that is a sentence that has never been uttered before.
posted by Pouteria at 4:04 PM on January 12 [3 favorites]

As I said above this design really sucks because it hangs down into the toilet, just buy a Japanese style toilet seat, or a bum gun.

Around this, I've just learned the word shattaf, as in shatt-a.f., which apparently covers both bidets integrated into toilets and bum guns.

Also commedy gold: Are bidets really illegal in the UK? If so, why?
posted by jeffburdges at 4:37 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

In your opinion, would ¡°penis¡± carry less baggage?

Carrying baggage with my penis would require specialist training that I do not have and do not intend to seek out.
posted by flabdablet at 11:50 PM on January 12 [3 favorites]

Well, thanks to spacediver for answering the main question I still had about bidets.
(The question was - so you have a stream of water, that's nice, but everyone who's ever washed shit off anything knows a stream of water won't cut it, so, do you have to use your hands to clean your shitty asshole? and apparently the answer is yes. I'm going to go ahead and assume the answer is the same with the French-style 'low basin' bidets, but more so. I have attempted to use the 'sprayer on a hose' type when I encountered one in an airport bathroom, and dried off with TP, and that seemed to be satisfactory, but I may have missed something fundamental, if you'll pardon the pun.)
As someone who prefers to avoid getting human shit on her hands on a daily or multi-times-daily basis, I'm gonna give it a miss.

I have a further question. There has been a lot said about how great bidets are for people who menstruate, and angling things just so, and Japanese bidets that do it automatically - how does one work that without squirting water into one's vagina, which is, if I'm not mistaken, A Bad Idea?
posted by ngaiotonga at 1:21 AM on January 13 [1 favorite]

And khrusanthemon, yes, 'penis' would be a good word to use in that case; the gender of the owner of the urinating equipment is less relevant to the comment in question than whether the urinating equipment requires the use of toilet paper. (The 'urinating equipment' that does require toilet paper is part of the vulva; the one that does not is part of the penis.)
posted by ngaiotonga at 1:39 AM on January 13

Question for those folks who've installed one of the bidet seats: how do you clean it? Is it as straightforward as using the toilet brush and cleaner agent of choice, as is standard practice; or does it need disassembly to clean?
posted by mightshould at 2:50 AM on January 13 [2 favorites]

The 'urinating equipment' that does require toilet paper is part of the vulva; the one that does not is part of the penis

People say that, but it's also well known that no matter how much you shake and you dance, the last drop will always end up in your pants. Also, it's the cumulative effect of all that shaking and dancing that leaves men's public toilets so consistently gross. You want to shake and dance? Do it nude and outdoors, not anywhere that somebody else is going to end up needing to wipe up a puddle of old piss before dropping trou.

Near as I can tell, refusal to perform the discreet one-square squeeze and blot that's all that's ever required is just another bit of the pointless machismo that I am personally relieved to have wiped off and flushed decades ago.
posted by flabdablet at 4:09 AM on January 13 [3 favorites]

how does one work that without squirting water into one's vagina, which is, if I'm not mistaken, A Bad Idea?

You don't need to squirt water into your vagina to clean it - you can direct the stream over your labia and related areas. Would be quite difficult to get that stream to go up your vagina but not impossible I suppose.

khrusanthemon to expand on ngaiotonga's answer about whether "male urinating equipment" is a transphobic way to phrase this - I don't know whether or not it's transphobic, but a better way to state this kind of thing if you're trying to avoid setting of another person's gender dysphoria or make them uncomfortable and self conscious by phrasing things in a "oh I'm stepping on eggshells here! " way, is to use the simplest, most straightforward words for the genitals you mean - that is indeed penis in this case.

Although many people try to make a separation that "male" = "sex" = "penis " and "man" = "gender" = "no body parts need to be named", for a lot of people "male" and "female" also refer to gender identity. A trans person who was, for example, assigned "male" at birth, might feel that both "woman" and "female" fits her better (both being expressions of their gender identity) and both "man" and "male" don't fit her (both being labels that pertain to gender identity as well).
posted by Zumbador at 4:15 AM on January 13 [3 favorites]

"do you have to use your hands to clean your shitty asshole? and apparently the answer is yes"

One person's answer was yes. The entire thread is full of numerous examples of this not being the case. I wish people approached driving from this kind of worst-case, unlikely scenario perspective!

I read spacediver's account and as someone who spent part of their childhood in Italy with those style of bidets and has the BioBidet, Japanese-ish style of attachments currently, this seems to be an unusual experience to me. And for others in the thread.

The entire nation of Japan is definitively not wiping their asshole with their hands, even if they don't have the fully-automated, air-fluffing Ferrari of butt hygiene.

Clean your anus however you want, though. Who gives a shit!
posted by Captaintripps at 6:08 AM on January 13 [3 favorites]

Who gives a shit!

Everybody?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:19 AM on January 13 [5 favorites]

And in the end
The shit you take
Is equal to the shit
You make
posted by flabdablet at 6:54 AM on January 13 [1 favorite]

Thank you to those who responded well to khrusanthemon on my behalf regarding my objection to the phrase "male urinating equipment." It is correct that simply saying "penis" is a better choice. Hi, trans person here, you don't get to tell me what is transphobic and how I should feel about it. Also, yes, Merlyn apologized both in the thread and via MeMail, which I welcome and appreciate.

Additionally, khrusanthemon, not only did you *not* "have to make this digression," but it comes across as mean-spirited in addition to unnecessary. I hope you are happy now, as you wished me, and you can send me a MeMail if you feel the need to further criticize me.
posted by wicked_sassy at 6:59 AM on January 13 [6 favorites]

"What's stressing me out reading all of this--and among news stories about the alarming rise of norovirus--is the emphasis on having a "clean" bum that isn't sanitized (no soap) and also WHO CARES IF YOUR BUTT ISN'T "CLEAN" 24/7?! You're not touching doorknobs with your butt, you're not eating a sandwich with your butt. And even if you were? The soapless bidet isn't enough to sanitize the surface of your butt."

I'm so confused. Are you saying that a dirty butt is somehow still better as long as you don't touch it with your hands? What about the clothing that it touches? Your underwear? You realize that there are instances in life when you can't just hop into the shower after you go?

The process is this: poop, use bidet, wipe with TP. Repeat last two steps as needed. Use air dry if you have a bidet with that function if you want. Flush. Wash hands. The button to turn the bidet on is about as dirty as the flush handle. The last step is always to wash your hands. There is no step required where bare hands touch bare poopy ass.

Cleaning the bidet involves a quick wipe down with a Lysol wipe or paper towel with disinfecting spray. The spray head automatically retracts into a shielded space when the bidet is off.

To clean the front part, the water sprays at a more shallow angle. Sometimes you need to sit forward a little to ensure the right coverage. It is literally like flushing your bits with a spray of water that is a little more powerful than at a drinking fountain. It will not go up the vagina due to the lack of force and the angle is all wrong anyways.

I can assure non-bidet users that a bidet can clean fecal matter away without the use of BARE HANDS.
posted by extramundane at 7:55 AM on January 13 [3 favorites]

I think of lot of folks' questions would be answered by trying a cheap bidet bottle like this $15 one from amazon. If you like the experience, getting a washlet or bum gun will give you an even nicer experience while also saving you from having to fill and clean a bottle or do the squeazy thing.
posted by antinomia at 8:42 AM on January 13 [2 favorites]

a cheap bidet bottle

For true cleanliness, be sure to fill it with hand sanitizer.
posted by mittens at 9:00 AM on January 13

have you ever seen such cruelty?
posted by flabdablet at 9:02 AM on January 13

We recently bought a bidet attachment for our toilet. It's like being rimmed by a mermaid!
posted by fgdmorr at 9:53 AM on January 13 [3 favorites]

>> Who gives a shit!

> Everybody?

Everyone Poops.
posted by neuron at 10:00 AM on January 13

It's like being rimmed by a mermaid!

Dare I ask how you would know?
posted by The Bellman at 11:32 AM on January 13 [3 favorites]

Everyone Poops.

Nobody Poops But You
posted by mittens at 11:41 AM on January 13 [2 favorites]

NETTA (contemptuously): I am going to tell you something now that only I and your mother know. You are a dwarf.

DORF: What?

NETTA: Everything in the house has been made to scale. You are only forty-eight inches tall.

DORF: Don't, don't! The pains are returning!
posted by flabdablet at 1:53 PM on January 13

The fact that shit comes out of one's body and (often) leaves a trace (or more!) of itself around your asshole is one of those problems that there just isn't a great solution to, and the bidet enthusiasts are in as deep denial as the TP stalwarts. Wiping with paper is better than nothing. A bidet is better than nothing. Both together is better than nothing, but probably not better than either alone when the drawbacks are factored in. A big drawback being, FOR ME, this is not something I want to spend a ton of time and effort on, and the more thought put into it the more I feel like the only complete answer is a full hot soapy shower every time I use the bathroom. That is just not practical and also at odds with the big drawback.

I've heard the pro-bidet argument/thought-experiment of "if you got chocolate all over your hands would you wipe it off with dry tissue paper?" and the answer is probably not, but I also wouldn't just spray water on it until it went away.

Until we get to the part of the timeline with the Three Seashells, just do your best with whatever means suits you, take a shower later with soap, try not to think about it TOO much, and be thankful we're not dogs.
posted by dirtdirt at 2:47 PM on January 13 [2 favorites]

3 Seashells Bidet
r/SomebodyMakeThis
posted by jeffburdges at 3:58 PM on January 13

That Bumwash style hose gun looks promising for an after market install. Also useful when cleaning the toilet.
posted by Pouteria at 2:08 AM on January 14

For true cleanliness, be sure to fill it with hand sanitizer.

I'm pretty sure this is a joke, but NB: if you have a vulva/vagina, please do not do this. You will cause yourself horrible pain and also likely end up with the yeast infection to end all yeast infections.
posted by adrienneleigh at 3:07 AM on January 14 [1 favorite]

Wiping with paper is better than nothing. A bidet is better than nothing. Both together is better than nothing, but probably not better than either alone when the drawbacks are factored in. A big drawback being, FOR ME, this is not something I want to spend a ton of time and effort on

Happy news! Using a bidet already incorporates the toilet paper function and you don¡¯t have to spend much time or effort on it!

Huzzah! All is right in the bumiverse!
posted by Captaintripps at 4:39 AM on January 14

Every single person except me is cleaning their arsehole all wrong. It's intolerable.
posted by flabdablet at 4:44 AM on January 14 [1 favorite]

This exists.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:27 AM on January 14 [1 favorite]

Oh and.. I guess on the subject of people doing it wrong .. but also so no one gets the wrong idea of how these things are supposed to work:

You are not supposed to use them to spray water up your butt. Just like you don't need to spray anything up your vagina to clean it, you also do not need to spray anything up your butt to clean it (except for bowel prep for medical procedures, etc.), and if you do so you are doing more harm than good.

You have bacteria in your colon that digest the soluble fiber that you cannot digest and produce butyrate as a waste product. The cells of your colon use that butyrate as a source of energy, and it also acts as an anti-proliferative: which means it prevents cancer. This is, coincidentally, the reason not getting enough fiber in your diet is a risk factor for colorectal cancer. The bacteria also produce vitamin K, basically, there's no reason to rush things out the door and you're only short-changing yourself if you do.
posted by antinomia at 8:03 AM on January 14 [2 favorites]

Wiping with paper is better than nothing. A bidet is better than nothing. Both together is better than nothing, but probably not better than either alone when the drawbacks are factored in. A big drawback being, FOR ME, this is not something I want to spend a ton of time and effort on, and the more thought put into it the more I feel like the only complete answer is a full hot soapy shower every time I use the bathroom. That is just not practical and also at odds with the big drawback.

I mean, to each their own, but as someone who lived in the before (no bidet) times and the after (with bidet) times, I do not find there to be any drawbacks to TP + bidet. My bum gets washed, I use orders of magnitude less toilet paper, and my bum issues become less intense. Very little if any extra thought is required.
posted by grumpybear69 at 12:55 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]