"Whenever he talks about their virtues, he said, 'I feel like one of the Apostles passing the word of God.'"

I see what you did there.
posted by blucevalo at 11:07 AM on November 21, 2015 [12 favorites]

"Around $2,400, the system is also a more entry-level version of Toto¡¯s top-of-the-line $9,800 Neorest". There's your answer, right there.
posted by KGMoney at 11:09 AM on November 21, 2015 [17 favorites]

Never mind the bidet function. I've tried a heated toilet seat before, and it was awful. It felt like someone had just been there a moment before me, and I couldn't countenance that. I can't even use the seat-warmer feature in my car. It's just too creepy.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:11 AM on November 21, 2015 [49 favorites]

Because we already have these. Aaaaah.
posted by bearwife at 11:15 AM on November 21, 2015

I don't mean to make fun of your valid personal preference, Faint of Butt, but in this case it is simply too hard to ignore how perfectly your name describes this particular dislike of yours.
posted by cubby at 11:16 AM on November 21, 2015 [65 favorites]

My eponysterical-ometer just broke.
posted by KHAAAN! at 11:17 AM on November 21, 2015 [49 favorites]

American/Australian Toilet VS Japanese Toilet as portrayed through the television series The Simpsons.
posted by Fizz at 11:18 AM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Are there slightly more budget-friendly washlets that are well-reviewed? All the non-Toto ones seem slightly suspect to me.
posted by raihan_ at 11:19 AM on November 21, 2015

I would literally kill untold millions for the glorious privilege of having a regular boring bidet be standard in nyc rentals but I am actually kind of ambivalent about these all in one toto smart pottys.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:20 AM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

I don't know how I'd feel about heated toilet seats but my heated car seats are the most amazing thing ever.
posted by triggerfinger at 11:23 AM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

After reading some Reddit thread along the lines of "What does the rest of the world know that Americans don't?" curiosity got the best of me and I ponied up for the cheapest bidet (about $28) from Amazon.

Life changer. Cannot live without it. Now, if I have to use a toilet elsewhere I feel gross and uncivilized, like an Australopithecine that failed finishing school suffering from IBS.
posted by sourwookie at 11:24 AM on November 21, 2015 [21 favorites]

One drawback of these things, as I recall from last time they were in the news -- about 4% (!) of total household electricity use in Japan goes to heated toilet seats. This article also mentions how fancier ones learn your timing so they aren't always on, but this is somewhat thwarted by the randomness of peeing and the fact that a third of men in Japan pee sitting down.
posted by chortly at 11:25 AM on November 21, 2015 [5 favorites]

I love the ones in the hotels in Japan and often think I should get one at home. To be honest, the reason I haven't is it feels like it would be a cleaning nightmare. Even some of the ones in hotels with a professional cleaning staff cleaning them daily can get a faint odor of "bathroom." With small parts, with crevices and stuff...

I admit it's just an impression; I don't actually know how hard it is to clean. But for what it costs (including having electric power rigged to it conveniently without being ugly) I'm not ready to go for it.
posted by ctmf at 11:26 AM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

The heated seat I can do without but the bidet and butt drying function is excellent.
posted by Karaage at 11:26 AM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yeah, why won't Americans buy toilets that cost as much as cars?

It's a real head-scratcher!
posted by Sys Rq at 11:27 AM on November 21, 2015 [25 favorites]

I do actually sometimes think about how hard it would be to get a japanese-style squat toilet installed though. So I probably don't represent the typical american toilet-buying public very well.
posted by ctmf at 11:30 AM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

I guess heated toilet seats are more appealing if you don't have central heating or decent insulation. (My first result was a blog praising the quality of appliances in Japan such as kerosene heaters, while despairing about using a kerosene heater in the first place.)
posted by sourcejedi at 11:32 AM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

¡°It takes me three years to train a good sales consultant"

Three years to toilet train your staff???
posted by jim in austin at 11:37 AM on November 21, 2015 [25 favorites]

Gene Belcher is also a fan
posted by Lokheed at 11:42 AM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

Maybe Americans are too smart to spend a small fortune on a toilet? For $5.99 you can get a Faucet-to-Shower Converter and it will clean your butthole so good that people can eat food off it.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 11:44 AM on November 21, 2015 [9 favorites]

is that, uh

is that their advertising slogan
posted by poffin boffin at 11:47 AM on November 21, 2015 [48 favorites]

well maybe it should be. hey toto, this one is on me ?( ? )?
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:22 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

Life changer. Cannot live without it. Now, if I have to use a toilet elsewhere I feel gross and uncivilized, like an Australopithecine that failed finishing school suffering from IBS.

I'm not quite on the life-changer team, but yeah, ordinary toileting is pretty disgusting.

For those about to buy: after trial and error we found the pulse setting is best.

The warm toilet seat is not on our preset. Don't want to spend the money/energy.
posted by uraniumwilly at 12:22 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

One of my favorite things about visiting Japan, but not enough to spend the money (yet) for my own. It's an extravagance to be sure.
posted by Doleful Creature at 12:32 PM on November 21, 2015

Like I need an incentive to spend more time on the toilet. I already have a goddamn smart phone.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 12:42 PM on November 21, 2015 [22 favorites]

Life changer. Cannot live without it. Now, if I have to use a toilet elsewhere I feel gross and uncivilized, like an Australopithecine that failed finishing school suffering from IBS.
___
I'm not quite on the life-changer team, but yeah, ordinary toileting is pretty disgusting.

One of the biggest and most satisfying cultural shifts I have made in my life is adopting the Eastern / Asian toilet habits - water, not toilet paper. I decided to give it a try when I was in Afghanistan, rather than trying to source and plan for toilet paper.

If by some accident you got some shit rubbed on your arm, and then took some kleenex or paper towel and wiped it off, would you feel like it was clean? Of course not! You would want to wash it off, with water.

You don't need a bidet. Most of the toilets here in Malaysia, and in many parts of the world, have a shower style little sprayer hooked into the toilet tank feed line. But failing that, any glass or bottle or paper cup and access to a tap will do the trick.

The first two or three times are a little squicky - ew, you are touching poop with your hand! Well, yeah, but you are going to wash your hands immediately. And your asshole is going to be clean, completely clean. You can give your sexy bits a quick rinse too, surprise sex never needs to be a moment of doubt about your freshness.

The thought that until age 30-something I was walking around with a stinky dirt ass all the time is embarrassing. Now when I see a roll of toilet paper it reminds me that I live among filthy barbarians. :) Get on the bus people!
posted by Meatbomb at 12:43 PM on November 21, 2015 [13 favorites]

One drawback of these things, as I recall from last time they were in the news -- about 4% (!) of total household electricity use in Japan goes to heated toilet seats.

On the other hand, Japan can get very cold and yet doesn't generally have central heating. They only use heat where it's needed. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that warming that one small oval is an example of being just exactly where's it's needed and saves far more than that 4% in the long runs.
posted by fairmettle at 12:46 PM on November 21, 2015 [6 favorites]

If one doesn't care about or want a heated seat or programmability but just would like to be able to wash ones ass with water that isn't ice cold in winter time, can anyone recommend a good buy?
posted by lastobelus at 12:47 PM on November 21, 2015

lastobelus - connect this to your toilet feed line for $20. I am sure there are better and even cheaper options, this was a cursory search.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:51 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

If one doesn't care about or want a heated seat or programmability but just would like to be able to wash ones ass with water that isn't ice cold in winter time, can anyone recommend a good buy?

Do like Howard Stern says he does: move your toilet closer to your sink so that you can use toilet paper with warm water from the tap. It's the 21st century peasant's washlet.
posted by fairmettle at 12:52 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

move your toilet closer to your sink

This adventure will easily cost more than buying a Toto. And wet toilet paper has the tensile strength of, er, wet toilet paper.

If you're a regular person, you could just poop just before shower time, and your hand-held shower head will do the rest, with gloriously hot water.
posted by maxwelton at 12:57 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

re: sprayer -- I have one, installed for rinsing diapers, and I use it sometimes. But in the winter time it is very COLD. And hard to hold in just the right place. So, I mean among the lower end installed bidet attachments with hot water attachments.

The problem is that without an inline heater you'd have to wait a long time anyway for the spray to warm up.
posted by lastobelus at 12:59 PM on November 21, 2015

"This adventure will easily cost more than buying a Toto. And wet toilet paper has the tensile strength of, er, wet toilet paper."

It's a complete non-starter for people with northern-european-typical proliferations of body hair.
posted by lastobelus at 1:01 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

I bought a Brondell 1000 a few years ago from a deals site for $399, It's one of the best things I've ever bought.
I don't need to use toilet paper any more! It heats the water, has an oscillating spray and has a self cleaning function.
I don't care about the heated seat, it does get cold here in winter, but that's why I have a furnace. I don't even use the water heater, the cold water a nice wake up in the morning.
posted by Marky at 1:03 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

cold water [sprayed on your butthole is] a nice wake up in the morning

Is this phrase simply wrong, or is it really, really wrong? From a moral and humanistic perspective.
posted by maxwelton at 1:08 PM on November 21, 2015 [11 favorites]

If by some accident you got some shit rubbed on your arm, and then took some kleenex or paper towel and wiped it off, would you feel like it was clean? Of course not! You would want to wash it off, with water.

This is one of the things that mystifies me about the bidet. If I got shit on my arm, I would wash it off. With water. And soap. And scrubbing. To get clean it would need more than a spray of water. I mean, shit can get awfully sticky.

So while I am open to the idea of a bidet, it seems incomplete to me whenever it's described. Why not do the job thoroughly? And then I demand to have a dry ass at the end of the endeavor. So, I'll need still need toilet paper, or a towel, of a pretty vigorous blast of warm, dry air.

And as mentioned earlier, they look like they'd be a pain to keep clean.

As a result, I remain a bit skeptical about the praises over the bidet.
posted by 2N2222 at 1:08 PM on November 21, 2015 [8 favorites]

And then I demand to have a dry ass at the end of the endeavor

Totally overrated, but enough proselytizing I will stop now :)
posted by Meatbomb at 1:46 PM on November 21, 2015

Is this phrase simply wrong, or is it really, really wrong? From a moral and humanistic perspective.

i support this kinkshaming of buttsicle enthusiasts
posted by poffin boffin at 1:51 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

My parents have one and my dad is pretty evangelical about it. I do like the heated seat - it's surprising in an awkward way the first few times you use it but once you've grown to expect it, you'll miss it when it's gone. But otherwise it's just not my thing.
posted by town of cats at 2:01 PM on November 21, 2015

? ? ? ?
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:05 PM on November 21, 2015 [15 favorites]

Wet sharts are not my idea of love, but y'know, different strokes for different folks..
posted by wierdo at 2:10 PM on November 21, 2015

¡°It takes me three years to train a good sales consultant to convey the proper message and value to our clients,¡± Mr. Friedman said.

They had a Toto proudly sitting in the middle of Yaohan Plaza, a Japanese grocery store in the suburbs of Chicago, when it first opened back in the early 90s. I'm not sure what message and value it was conveying.
posted by lagomorphius at 2:11 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Everything about Japanese bathrooms is done better. Toilet in a separate room. Instant water heater. Shower with a wood bench and wood shelf to hold all your stuff. Separate tub deep enough to soak in up to your neck (with a reheater). Some of the toilets use the water that you use washing your hands to fill the tank for the next flush.
posted by Bee'sWing at 2:31 PM on November 21, 2015 [17 favorites]

Do like Howard Stern says he does: move your toilet closer to your sink so that you can use toilet paper with warm water from the tap. It's the 21st century peasant's washlet.

I was coming in here to share my secret technique but I guess Howard is way ahead of me. Best of both worlds as I see it.
posted by atoxyl at 2:32 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Japanese bathrooms are better. When my Dad was stationed in Okinawa in the 80s, we lived off-base before our base housing came through, and the bathroom had a drain in the middle of the floor. We kids could splash as much as we wanted! Not sure why the wet bath is not as popular here in the US.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:40 PM on November 21, 2015 [7 favorites]

I've been wanting to buy a bidet seat since I read this article, but the only electrical outlet in my rental's bathroom is at least five feet away from the toilet, and apparently the cords are about four feet long. I'm not quite willing to use extension cables in the bathroom.

Until I figure out how to wire one of these seats safely (and that may require moving), I guess it's just a cup of warm water, forever. Or wet wipes, but those aren't flushable, no matter what they say on the package.
posted by asperity at 2:43 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

And ew, wet toilet paper is just insta-shred awful. Howard Stern presumably has a crack full of tiny dirty balls of paper.
posted by asperity at 2:44 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat...is a warm toilet seat.
posted by notsnot at 2:47 PM on November 21, 2015 [6 favorites]

Toilet seat warmers remind me of a wintertime visit to a lodge at Circle Hot Springs in Alaska...in February. The toilet seats were conventional but the bowls were filled using water from the hot springs. There was something...disturbing ...about doing my business into them.
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 3:05 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

after trial and error we found the pulse setting is best.

Like a water-pik! It could also save the time you spend brushing your teeth after throwing up. (Which, after thinking about that, you might be ready to do.)
posted by ctmf at 3:08 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

You haven't really lived until you have crapped on a Numi.
posted by humanfont at 3:19 PM on November 21, 2015

Do like Howard Stern says he does: move your toilet closer to your sink so that you can use toilet paper with warm water from the tap. It's the 21st century peasant's washlet.

if you have a big enough bathroom and can afford to move your toilet around willy nilly then why not juST INSTALL A REGULAR BIDET LIKE GOD INTENDED FOR ALL MANKIND it has hot water RIGHT THERE IN THE TAPS it is as easy to clean AS THE TOILET ITSELF

also in the summer you can use it to rinse off the swamp ass
posted by poffin boffin at 3:22 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

Oh, these seats are electric? I see a great murder mystery plot that involves rewiring to make it a really hot seat.
posted by mermayd at 3:22 PM on November 21, 2015 [7 favorites]

At Home

1. Lock bathroom door (I know this is a non-starter for parents with young kids. They won't be young forever.)
2. Undress
3. Poop
4. Wash your bits using the pulse setting for the handheld shower head in your tub. Your tub has hot water, soap, and is conveniently located right next to your toilet
5. Dry yourself
6. Get dressed
7. Feel like a million bucks

Not at Home

1. Wait until you get home
posted by double block and bleed at 3:51 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

fairmettle: "Do like Howard Stern says he does: move your toilet closer to your sink so that you can use toilet paper with warm water from the tap. It's the 21st century peasant's washlet."

I believe that Howard Stern has enough money to demolish his house and build it with the sink closer to the toilet. This does not help me.
posted by Splunge at 3:52 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Meatbomb: One of the biggest and most satisfying cultural shifts I have made in my life is adopting the Eastern / Asian toilet habits

The big difference here is also the Eastern/Asian eating habits. Cultures that practice the toilet hygiene as you describe will never use their left hand in greeting or eating food. The eating custom goes hand-in-shithand with one another.
posted by dr_dank at 3:52 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

I don't know how I'd feel about heated toilet seats but my heated car seats are the most amazing thing ever.

I know, right? On a cold winter 's day it's like sitting in a fresh puddle of one's own urine, but with the damp and smell. Truly glorious.
posted by five fresh fish at 4:21 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

We have two and I'm always bummed when I travel somewhere that doesn't have one.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 4:24 PM on November 21, 2015

You can get the Toto lifestyle at Costco. They sell BioBidet and Brondell as well. It is fabulous, that lifestyle. Cleaning the toilet is not difficult especially with a self clean function. If you check YouTube there are serious demonstrations on the effectiveness of the cleaning power of the bidet. It was not the cost of a car.
posted by jadepearl at 4:28 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

Between the Toto Washlet and the Squatty Potty, we truly live in the best of times.

Edit: my last post ¡ª without the damp and smell. Unless you find the heat a little... too relaxing.
posted by five fresh fish at 4:30 PM on November 21, 2015

I would literally kill untold millions for the glorious privilege of having a regular boring bidet be standard in nyc rentals but I am actually kind of ambivalent about these all in one toto smart pottys.

I have had to promise to add a bidet whenever I remodel the bathroom, so I am at least an honorary member of Team Bidet. But I was always under the impression that European-style separate bidets were more about pre/post sex washing and daily genital/ass washing at a time when daily full-body bathing was not common, rather than the water based excreta cleaning that has been traditional in other parts of the world for a long time, as Meatbomb describes.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:39 PM on November 21, 2015

Do like Howard Stern says he does: move your toilet closer to your sink so that you can use toilet paper with warm water from the tap. It's the 21st century peasant's washlet.

Just buy some baby wipes and keep them next to the toilet. That's what they're made for.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 4:39 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

I got one of the cheap bidet attachments from Amazon during the summer and I love it. I'm a little concerned about how cold the water will be during the winter but I guess I'll be finding out before too long.
posted by sevenyearlurk at 4:46 PM on November 21, 2015

Korea: we have bidets and floor heating/good insulation. Woohoo!

More seriously, I've been in the land of electric bidets since '02, and I've seen many friends come and go. The most common thing they miss when they head back to the violent and barbaric West is the bidets. Once you get used to always being totally clean and comfy in your nether regions, it's truly repulsive to have to go back to smearing your shit around with tissue paper.

As for all the logistics talk:
I, for one, still use paper--mainly to dry off after the bidet--but our bidets do have an air-drying function; I just don't use it. I also love the heated seat. Maybe it feels like you're hot on the heels of an unknown shitter at first, but you get used to it quickly and it's a delight on a chilly winter morning.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 4:58 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

But I was always under the impression that European-style separate bidets were more about pre/post sex washing and daily genital/ass washing at a time when daily full-body bathing was not common, rather than the water based excreta cleaning that has been traditional in other parts of the world for a long time, as Meatbomb describes.

they are for any aspect of your daily life that requires clean bits

so for every possible aspect of your daily life really
posted by poffin boffin at 5:00 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Reading this thread, I feel unusual for loving heated car seats but hating heated toilet seats.
posted by Phssthpok at 5:43 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

I am so confused. swore no poo would not work for my hair. was wrong. currently swearing that no toilet paper would not work for me.

do you have to mechanically agitate your shitty ass as the water is applied or does a robot arm somehow handle that? I need this info.
posted by RolandOfEld at 5:51 PM on November 21, 2015

Heated seats would be OK but what I really want is cooled seats in the summer. Well, that and a car without a black interior. Never again.
posted by double block and bleed at 5:53 PM on November 21, 2015

People keep mentioning using a glass of warm water and I am still trying to understand what you use the glass of water for. Do you have to be sort of upside down? Is suction involved somehow?
posted by mittens at 5:55 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

Do you have to be sort of upside down?

They forgot to mention the bendy straw.
posted by maxwelton at 6:35 PM on November 21, 2015 [4 favorites]

Turkey baster?
posted by Joseph Gurl at 6:51 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

People keep mentioning using a glass of warm water and I am still trying to understand what you use the glass of water for. Do you have to be sort of upside down? Is suction involved somehow?

Sitting or standing?
posted by dawg-proud at 6:54 PM on November 21, 2015

One drawback of these things, as I recall from last time they were in the news -- about 4% (!) of total household electricity use in Japan goes to heated toilet seats.

On the other hand, Japan can get very cold and yet doesn't generally have central heating. They only use heat where it's needed. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that warming that one small oval is an example of being just exactly where's it's needed and saves far more than that 4% in the long runs.

That's your answer for why heated toilet seats are so popular in Japan and so unpopular just about everywhere else: Winter in Japan is frigging cold and most apartments are not properly heated. No central heating and usually no heating at all in the bathroom. So if you go to the toilet, you may literally freeze your ass off. Unless you have heated toilet seats.
posted by sour cream at 7:23 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

I once found a bidet/toilet in a Japanese restaurant in Pleasanton, California. I...don't know how they calibrate where the water is supposed to squirt, but I can only deduce that perhaps it was calibrated for a male ass. Anyway, I ended up wet in another weird place, no blow dryer, so... it was kinda like, what's the point of this?

Also, yeah, it's probably cheaper to have a shower head.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:37 PM on November 21, 2015

Just buy some baby wipes and keep them next to the toilet. That's what they're made for.

And then THROW THEM IN THE TRASH. DO NOT FLUSH HAPPY FUN WIPES.

thought I'd save sonascope the trouble
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:05 PM on November 21, 2015 [9 favorites]

>That's your answer for why heated toilet seats are so popular in Japan and so unpopular just about everywhere else: Winter in Japan is frigging cold and most apartments are not properly heated. No central heating and usually no heating at all in the bathroom. So if you go to the toilet, you may literally freeze your ass off. Unless you have heated toilet seats.

So what's the answer for why they're so popular in Korea? Winters here may be cold, but we have central heating, emanating from the floor, even in the bathroom. Here's a simpler answer: heated toilet seats are comfy.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 8:09 PM on November 21, 2015

A dry ass at the end is not totally overrated and it means spending a certain length of time in front of the fan before dressing which can't be rushed (because toilet paper is the same all over except for the waxed kind I used to see in England) and it's pretty frequent because you're drinking liters of water to stay hydrated. At least the air temp means the water temp will be pleasant. I can't imagine doing it with ice cold water, that's why they invented baby wipes.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 8:11 PM on November 21, 2015

I was under the impression that they invented baby wipes for babies.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 8:23 PM on November 21, 2015 [5 favorites]

I just ... don't understand how you all poop? I think you need fiber?
posted by dame at 9:14 PM on November 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

Yes, you need fiber to poop. I'm not sure whether to be impressed or horrified that you've made it this long without pooping!
posted by Joseph Gurl at 9:18 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

I've never tried a bidet, but I have horror-thoughts that the water will push poop molecules into my vagina. How does that not happen?
posted by chowflap at 9:22 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

It's a pretty fine and precise stream of water.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 9:42 PM on November 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

People keep mentioning using a glass of warm water and I am still trying to understand what you use the glass of water for.

It's for your manserveant to hydrate himself before he cleans your bum
posted by roger ackroyd at 9:56 PM on November 21, 2015 [9 favorites]

Wipes are literally the second worst thing to put down the drain. Only bacon fat is worse.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:07 PM on November 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

I believe that Howard Stern has enough money to demolish his house and build it with the sink closer to the toilet. This does not help me.


So, um, I usually poop at work. And as I said I am a believer - you just gotta do it right, I promise - in the wet toilet paper method. Which means I will go into a stall in a quiet restroom, collect an appropriately-sized stack of toilet paper, go to the sink, and return to the stall to do my business. Which is fine except when someone comes in during the paper-wetting process I always get spooked and quickly try to act like I'm washing my hands or inspecting my teeth or something. I guess if I had the courage of my convictions I would stand there and explain the benefits of the technique.
posted by atoxyl at 1:00 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

Bought a Toto Neorest when I remodeled the bathroom here at home years ago. The biggest drawback is that it's weird pooping in "luxury" hotels that make me scrape my ass clean with dead trees afterwards.
posted by DaveP at 3:06 AM on November 22, 2015 [6 favorites]

Johnny Wallflower: thought I'd save sonascope the trouble

That is an awesome link to an awesome comment. Also, the term "crack anxiety" has now been added to my vocabulary.
posted by cynical pinnacle at 4:50 AM on November 22, 2015

It's for your manserveant to hydrate himself before he cleans your bum

There is a particularly vivid scene in Jonathan Littell's The Kindly Ones (which is a book with a wide variety of awful moments) where the narrator is using the bathroom at an SS hostel in Poland, can't find paper to wipe with, and is startled when a servant reaches their hand through a gap in the wall to wipe his ass with their fingers.

I'm also reminded of the scatological scenes in Sal¨°, though I don't recall much wiping.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:53 AM on November 22, 2015

If there's a Tilley store near you, they have Totos. Alex is ¡­ particular about that.
posted by scruss at 6:07 AM on November 22, 2015

Between discussions of washlets, squatting, and remaining seated while wiping, MeFi has radically improved a lot of people's lives. MeFi: radical shit.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:34 AM on November 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

It's for your manserveant to hydrate himself before he cleans your bum

one must look after one's groom of the stool after all
posted by poffin boffin at 8:14 AM on November 22, 2015

because toilet paper is the same all over except for the waxed kind I used to see in England

This almost sounds like a Yakov Smirnoff anecdote about Soviet Russia.
posted by krinklyfig at 10:08 AM on November 22, 2015

Woot!
posted by carmicha at 10:45 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

Seconded: Baby wipes should not go down the toilet even if they claim to be flushable. Flushable isn't an official certification, it is a marketing word. You can call pretty much anything flushable. Minnesotans are sueing over this ATM
posted by humanfont at 11:28 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

I...don't know how they calibrate where the water is supposed to squirt, but I can only deduce that perhaps it was calibrated for a male ass.

I encountered toilets in Japan that had, er, targeting options, presumably to account for such variations in anatomy.

I also stayed at a ryokan where the toilet was operated via a remote control, which was puzzling. Like, I get there not being room for a toilet with an arm for the control panel and thus attaching the controls to the wall, but why could you remove the controls from the wall? If there's one remote you don't want to lose...
posted by hoyland at 12:31 PM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yakov Smirnoff anecdote about Soviet Russia.

Or Parks Canada in the 1970s. Which I suppose in the eyes of some qualifies as Soviet Russia.

Never did understand that toilet paper. Individual 3x4" triple-folded slips of slick futility. It's like the inventor hated people that poop.
posted by five fresh fish at 12:55 PM on November 22, 2015

Seconded: Baby wipes should not go down the toilet even if they claim to be flushable. Flushable isn't an official certification, it is a marketing word. You can call pretty much anything flushable. Minnesotans are sueing over this ATM

I was going to mention that this was another reason to buy a Toto -- they used to advertise that their toilets could handle two dozen golf balls in a single flush. t maybe that is why that stopped that advertising campaign, they forgot to consider what those thousands of golf ball would do to the municipals systems.
posted by rtimmel at 12:56 PM on November 22, 2015

I was under the impression that they invented baby wipes for babies.

I was under the impression that baby wipes are for adults to use to wipe poop out of asses. Whether you're wiping your kid's ass or your own, the core concept is the same.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 3:15 PM on November 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

I think this year I'll buy my wife a toilet seat for Christmas. Because that's just a funny thing to say.
posted by ctmf at 3:57 PM on November 22, 2015 [2 favorites]

Meatbomb: "lastobelus - connect this to your toilet feed line for $20. I am sure there are better and even cheaper options, this was a cursory search."

In a few weeks the municipal water around here is going to be in the single digits Celsius; talk about shrinkage.
posted by Mitheral at 5:30 PM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

For the people recommending stepping into the shower immediately after pooping, aren't you then dealing with bits of poop down your legs and sticking to your feet? And to your tub? Thats what I picture happening. And seconding the question on how exactly you use the glass of water.
posted by JenMarie at 7:06 PM on November 22, 2015

Yeah I remember those horrible little slips of waxy toilet paper from primary school. Traumatizing.
posted by sevenyearlurk at 7:33 PM on November 22, 2015

because toilet paper is the same all over except for the waxed kind I used to see in England

I've encountered waxed paper napkins and the idea of toilet paper made out that material is just horrifying. As napkins it is a cruel joke and just smears everything around without cleaning anything, and I am sure it would be the same as toilet paper (with the added fear of tearing mid-wipe).
posted by Dip Flash at 8:37 PM on November 22, 2015

What about the hats? Did anybody mention the hats?
posted by lagomorphius at 9:22 PM on November 22, 2015

Anyone done any comparative shopping? Looking for just the seat replacement I found two other companies instead of Toto in Vancouver, the AT100 and a store that sells the lotus brand ones
I am sortof scared to search for more info on this kind of thing.
posted by Iax at 9:49 PM on November 22, 2015

Waxed meant that it could have the phrase: "Now wash your hands" printed on every sheet in green ink. True story.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 4:48 AM on November 23, 2015

Ah, Izal (hard) medicated toilet paper. More of a glassine than waxed paper. Houses of a certain age in the UK have a mysterious mailbox-like receptacle on the bathroom wall: a dispenser for Izal sheets. The best analogy I can think of how it worked was a kind of tortilla chip/refried bean scoop interaction. It was crinkly. Nope nope nope.

We always ran out of Izal at school. Everyone stole it to use as tracing paper.
posted by scruss at 7:10 AM on November 23, 2015

So, let me tell you a story about a Japanese toilet seat.

A few years ago I was working for a company that was headquartered in Tokyo. I also had friends who were living and working in Osaka. On my first trip to HQ, I not only encountered the Magical Japanese Toity directly in Haneda airport just after arrival, but also, upon visiting my friends, discovered that you could purchase just the seat as an aftermarket thing.

After returning to the States, I discovered the truly insane markup on the seats, which at the time was something like 2-4 times the price in JPY, for a less functional seat. A seat you could buy in any Japanese department store for the equivalent of $75-$100 would be $400+ if you bought it stateside, if you could even get one that was comparable.

Secret Project Happy Butt was hatched after that first trip. And put into action on my next business trip to HQ.

First, I established an Amazon JP account.

Then I found the seat I wanted, with the features I wanted. At the time, Google Translate was not as developed as it is now, so there was some hit-or-miss. Reading the various reviews was a treat, though, as the word "ass" figured prominently both in the reviews and the product marketing materials. I distinctly remember a sentence that read something like "changing lives one ass at at time" with a picture of some sort of happy anthropomorphic animal. Japanese marketing is, in many ways, considerably more direct than that in the States, especially when it comes to matters of the digestion and/or gastrointestinal tract.

Then, shortly before my trip, I ordered the seat from Amazon JP and had it shipped to my hotel. On the trip, I took a nearly empty large suitcase with me as checked baggage.

I arrived in Japan, and mid-week, my toilet seat arrived. Which I unboxed and packed into the suitcase. And flew home with it. I have often wondered what the hotel staff thought of the empty toilet-seat box, and then realized that they've probably seen much weirder things, and may very well have just chalked it up to "he's American, who the hell knows".

So home I came, where I presented the toilet seat to Mrs. Scrump as a surprise anniversary present. Heated seat, girl-parts versus boy-parts washinating, various strobe-like water functions, deodorizer fan and all. No musical accompaniment, alas, but you can't have everything.

One visit to the local plumbing shop later, we were in business, with stick-on translation labels identifying the various functions, which were of course labeled in Japanese.

Several moments stand out from that installation process, among them the productive half-hour I spent on the seat discovering what the various buttons did, and the moment where I walked into the bathroom to discover our two kids attempting to use the bidet function as a water fountain.

If I were a greater man, I would end this anecdote by saying "...and I'm posting from that toilet seat RIGHT NOW," but, alas, I am not. I am, however, exceedingly pleased with my machinations, because I wound up saving several hundred dollars on the Magic Toilet Seat and achieved a distinctly Scrump form of romance for our anniversary.
posted by scrump at 3:13 PM on November 23, 2015 [9 favorites]

a distinctly Scrump form of romance

I was told this was a family program.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 5:44 PM on November 23, 2015

Faint of Butt: "Never mind the bidet function. I've tried a heated toilet seat before, and it was awful. It felt like someone had just been there a moment before me, and I couldn't countenance that."

As mentioned above, here in Japan there isn't central heating. That means that in the winter, the toilet seat in my home may almost be literally freezing. The heated toilet seat is, in fact, the best part of the Japanese toilet.

ctmf: " To be honest, the reason I haven't is it feels like it would be a cleaning nightmare. Even some of the ones in hotels with a professional cleaning staff cleaning them daily can get a faint odor of "bathroom." With small parts, with crevices and stuff..."

Mine aren't stinky yet, after 7 or so years of use. All the bidet parts fold away when not in use, and the bidet sprays at an angle, so it's not like stinky butt water falls on the sprayer or anything. So when you're doing your business, the sprayer is tucked away and protected. Then it comes out, sprays, and retracts. Never really an opportunity to get dirty.

jenfullmoon: " I...don't know how they calibrate where the water is supposed to squirt, but I can only deduce that perhaps it was calibrated for a male ass. "

There are "forward/backward" buttons to aim right. I don't think it's a "male ass" thing as much as the fact that people just sit differently on toilets. I mean, when you think about it, how much money would you be willing to bet that you sit on the toilet in the exact same position, within a 1 or 2 cm margin of error, as any other random person, even of the same gender?
posted by Bugbread at 6:46 AM on November 24, 2015