Google 'screen calls', answers everything. The number of legitimate phone calls I have received over the last year is zero. My friends and family use WhatsApp to contact me.
posted by gallagho at 2:43 AM on August 18 [3 favorites]

"Potato" if it's an unknown number.

I think I saw that trick here. If it's a human, then they sound confused. If it's a computer they just proceed blandly.

I miss the days of formal phone answering when you would say "The Smith Residence" or "Hampton Four Seven Nine Oh" or whatever.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 2:44 AM on August 18 [8 favorites]

Teenagers no longer answer the phone: is it a lack of manners or a new trend?

Where a phone call was once seen as a gesture of care, it may now be perceived as intrusive. Meanwhile, responding via message offers structure, time to think and a chance for clearer expression, and also the option to defer or sidestep without causing open conflict.
posted by WhackyparseThis at 2:45 AM on August 18 [3 favorites]

A simple ¡±hello¡± does the trick?
posted by hankmajor at 2:52 AM on August 18 [1 favorite]

Aaah mosh mosh
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 2:58 AM on August 18 [6 favorites]

If it's someone that I know who's listed in my contacts, I answer with Hi 'their name'. If it's unknown and I feel like answering I say in a detached receptionist voice "How may I direct your call", repeat as necessary, and it weeds out most spam.

I am phone avoidant. I hate calling people and I've finally figured out it's because there are no social cues on the phone and I rely heavily on reading the other person's attitude to try and better understand what they really mean.
posted by mightshould at 3:03 AM on August 18 [8 favorites]

I'd just had a stressful visit to the stroke clinic, done the tests, did not yet know the results and, still on edge, thought it wise to wander round the shops and calm myself before heading home to my even more worried wife. Off I went. My wanderings led me distractedly into a big tv store, gazing without seeing at all the gargantuan models.

It so happened that that month I'd had a spate of irksome phone calls of the genus "This is Microsoft, we have detected a major problem with your pc which can only be fixed by...... etc. etc." all coming from India judging by the accents. So when my phone rang and the caller came up as 'no name,' I was already pissed, "YES?!" I barked. It was noisy in the store. I couldn't hear well. I rarely get phone calls and I do not like using phones at the best of times.

I had no idea what was said but it was exactly the same Indian accent. I flipped. " I don't know who you are and I don't fucking care but you can take your fucking pc and dunk it in a bucket of fucking porridge and while you are at it you can shove your phone up your arse!!!!" Undeterred, the caller continued, " This is Professor Doctor Naresh Singh from the university hospital stroke clinic. Is that Dutch Rick? I am calling to tell you that the MRI reports are all in and there is no evidence of any problem at all. You are in the clear. I didnt want to keep you worried and waiting." I just about managed to grunt, "thank you," then left the shop in search of an enormous bucket of porridge in which I could dunk myself, my phone and my embarrassment. Since then my standard phone reply is a quiet and cautious, "yes?"

(For the record, Naresh is a lovely man and we became friends. Neither of us has ever mentioned this exchange. And yes, I am still picking porridge out of my ears.)
posted by dutchrick at 3:30 AM on August 18 [30 favorites]

Dude, I¡¯m in my 40s and I don¡¯t answer the phone. Unless it¡¯s my mom or my husband.

In which case they get a ¡°hey babe what¡¯s up¡± or a ¡°hi mom¡± as appropriate.
posted by nat at 3:45 AM on August 18 [5 favorites]

Numbers I don't recognize: ignore
Non family/friend numbers I do: "hi this is Jen"
There was one glorious time in my life where the timing aligned such that I could answer a call from my little brother by burping directly into the phone, that was pretty good.
posted by phunniemee at 4:04 AM on August 18 [8 favorites]

(Mr. Burns): Ahoy, Hoy!
posted by mikelieman at 4:10 AM on August 18 [6 favorites]

Greetings Carbon Unit
posted by bitslayer at 4:12 AM on August 18 [3 favorites]

I have a "one neat truck" for this, which is that I have a Minneapolis area code but live in Seattle. Therefore, anything that comes up with a 206 area code (Seattle) gets answered (just "Hello," any "Is this Smedly" or whatever gets a "Who is this, please?"). Any MN area codes or other (that isn't someone I know) gets the Google screener. It's honestly super helpful to be able to answer the phone for doctors or other appointments and whatnot.

It's just a massive symptom of societal decline IMO that we went from a world where you could look up people's phone number and address in the white pages to one where you basically can't answer the phone because of all the junk calls. It's a form of communication pollution, and our environment is super toxic right now.

Re: calls being intrusive; I was friends for a bit with a guy who is a younger millennial and he had the disconcerting habit of video calling me. Like, why are we doing this? He's very gay and we had a pretty flirty friendship (which, great), but the video calling thing wasn't fun. It felt very in my space. You don't know what I'm doing right now -- I could be doing anything. It really put me off balance.
posted by Smedly, Butlerian jihadi at 4:23 AM on August 18 [9 favorites]

Numbers for most I know: Hello, {personsName}. If they are calling, it means it is important.

Numbers for those I know, but don¡¯t answer because of reasons, such as calling me to pass on a message to my spouse because he is not answering his phone: Straight to voicemail.

Numbers I don¡¯t know: Ignore.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 4:27 AM on August 18 [1 favorite]

Friends: "Hi [name]!"
People/companies who are in my contacts but aren't friends: "This is [my name]."
All others: voicemail
I answer the phone a lot as part of my job and I don't mind that at all, but I HATE making/answering phone calls on my own time now. Even with my good friends --we text unless it's a crisis or it's a complicated conversation. And even then we usually text first and then move to a call.
posted by WithWildAbandon at 4:50 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

Having worked in customer service I can manage a wonderfully bright, warm and robotic voice:

"Thank you for calling the Brown Residence! Your call is important to us, so please, stay on the line and state who you are, your organization's name, if any, and the purpose of your call!"

I never do find out who most of the callers are.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:04 AM on August 18 [11 favorites]

Then: when I was growing up, on the local phone exchange our number was "Badsey 355". We always answered a call with, in the case of our household "355?", as that was the protocol.

Now: if it's a number I know I'll answer it with "Hi there". If it's a number I don't know I'll let it go through to voice mail. Later, I'll listen to the message and usually ignore it; it's extremely rarely of use.

+ + + + +

This morning, with the Christmas food season in its early stages, I bought an Advent calendar from the supermarket.

But this purchase immediately created a dilemma. Do I tuck into it now, thus rendering it meaningless? Or do I - impatiently - wait until the start of September before opening the first window?

Life is full of difficult decisions.
posted by Wordshore at 5:07 AM on August 18 [10 favorites]

If it¡¯s an unknown number, I¡¯m probably more apt to not answer at all, and see if they leave a voicemail that¡¯s pertinent to me. If, though, the number shown is suspiciously close to one of my doctors¡¯ numbers, or I¡¯m expecting a call from someone/thing/business, then I¡¯ll likely answer simply ¡°hello.¡±

If the person calling is in my contacts, I¡¯ll answer in many ways, depending on our familiarity¡­simply a surprised ¡°hello!¡± or a cheerful rendering of their name ¡°kelly!¡± or ¡°wilson!¡±, or, if it¡¯s been a hot minute since we last spoke, something along the lines of ¡°well, helloooo!¡±

My oldest, bestest, friends get the more fun, personal greetings. Stuff like ¡°good morning, gumdrop¡± or ¡°oh! my right hand was just thinking about you¡± or ¡°how much is bail this time?¡±
posted by Thorzdad at 5:08 AM on August 18 [5 favorites]

Moshi moshi!
posted by kozad at 5:16 AM on August 18 [5 favorites]

¡®ello, or ¡®mosh mosh¡¯ when I¡¯m feeling frisky.
posted by xtian at 5:17 AM on August 18

Do you answer in your own voice and accent, or a different one?

Back in the 90s I worked for a very small publishing company, so small that I was the only office staff. People would call and ask for, say, Accounts Payable, and because I was very bored I would put them on hold and then pick up again and say Accounts Payable in a slightly different voice.
posted by JanetLand at 5:22 AM on August 18 [7 favorites]

A tiger? An advent calendar? In Africa August? It no doubt escaped from a zoo.

That "how to speak RP" YT link deserves its own post BTW.
posted by GeckoDundee at 5:25 AM on August 18

Oh, and, yes, a four digit number (the last four of seven) traditionally, but now, if I don't know who it is, I don't answer, and if it's a work call, my name, if it's a friend, "Hello!" or something equally chirpy.
posted by GeckoDundee at 5:28 AM on August 18

(Mr. Burns): Ahoy, Hoy!

Also Alexander Graham Bell and Little Feat!
posted by TedW at 5:31 AM on August 18 [4 favorites]

REH: "Hello and welcome to MoviePhone!...Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you just selected"
posted by Reasonably Everything Happens at 5:32 AM on August 18 [8 favorites]

If caller display tells me the caller is in my contacts, I will answer with "Hi $callername"
If I don't recognise the number, I will answer with, "Hello?"
I am currently looking for work, and so I end up answering a lot of unidentified calls from scammers and bill collectors because they might possibly be recruiters.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 5:40 AM on August 18 [5 favorites]

I always want to be the kind of person who answers the phone whimsically with "Ahoy, Hoy!" or something similarly weird, but I've received enough calls about car crashes and hospitalizations that I just can't do it.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 5:48 AM on August 18 [4 favorites]

[crotchety old person voice] My experience is that people under the age of twenty-five years old do not answer the phone at all. If they even take the call, they sit there silently until you have said "Hello? HELLO?" enough times to truly embarrass yourself and then, just as you are about to decide there is a sound issue and they cannot hear you, they grudgingly begin to respond.

I'm not calling for a return of "This is the Smith residence, Charles speaking, how may I help you?" or anything, but if people didn't act some combination of mystified and perturbed by incoming calls, that would be a step in the right direction.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 5:54 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

I wish I had the ability to ignore calls and just return missed calls, texts, and voice mails as made sense, but I'm in sales and there is a bit of a customer service element to it that I am not important enough to blow off. So I have to answer.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 6:00 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

I'm not calling for a return of "This is the Smith residence, Charles speaking, how may I help you?" or anything, but if people didn't act some combination of mystified and perturbed by incoming calls, that would be a step in the right direction.

[other crotchety old person voice] I can't remember the last time I got a phone call from somebody who wasn't trying to rob me. At least 90% of the phone calls I get are from call center scammers. If I could convince our school board to switch to text messages I might not even own a phone.

I'll phone businesses now and then but humans? No, definitely not.
posted by mhoye at 6:17 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

I'm not calling for a return of "This is the Smith residence, Charles speaking, how may I help you?" or anything

And even if you were, nobody would pick up the phone
posted by notoriety public at 6:22 AM on August 18 [3 favorites]

I have been very careful with my phone number so I don't get any spam calls ever, which means I answer every call with "Hello." If I don't recognize the number it's usually my doctor's offices or my health insurance company or an old friend calling to give me their new number.

I live in a room with seven other guys in their 20s and we only ever text.

We had a bear get in the dumpster. It was dark and the bear was so skinny I thought it was a large dog so I walked over to give it the last half of my sandwich and was I ever surprised when a bear head came out of the dumpster. It took the sandwich without damaging my hand. I love bears.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 6:29 AM on August 18 [12 favorites]

I actually got (an attempted )phone phish at work, one of the few places I feel obligated to answer, and it did not help my dislike of phone calls.

I don't answer most unidentified calls and if they don't leave voicemail too bad. If I know the caller, it's "Hey!"
posted by emjaybee at 6:32 AM on August 18

I am currently looking for work, and so I end up answering a lot of unidentified calls from scammers and bill collectors because they might possibly be recruiters.

I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaated this bit. Especially since some of the scammers were recruiters trying to make their quotas, and they kept trying to pitch me three-month contracts for $18 an hour data entry work somewhere in rural New Jersey or somewhere way upstate.

....

Grumbling a bit this morning as yesterday it was 90 degrees and humid in Brooklyn, and today it is 75 degrees and overcast - and the big weather change is making my knee VERY, VERY grumpy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:36 AM on August 18 [6 favorites]

I used to say my name but I got so sick of no-one ever listening and everyone invariably proceeding to ask ¡®is that Phanx?¡¯ I stopped and now just say ¡®Yeah?¡¯ if anything at all.

What really annoys me is legitimate callers who ring and immediately ask me to prove my identity. You¡¯re the one who¡¯s seeking a conversation, you prove your identity. What are you guarding against, the risk that someone might have stolen my phone and now be impersonating me in order to have a banal conversation about delivery dates? It¡¯s bad practice to ask for personal details routinely, and I don¡¯t think I¡¯ve ever had one of those calls where it was actually required for reasons of security. Sometimes it¡¯s just mindless jobsworthing, other times I suspect it¡¯s a tactic - they think it helps put them in charge of the conversation.

It¡¯s the same as the way 95% of the passwords I¡¯m required to have don¡¯t protect any material interest of mine, they just enable some retailer or other organisation to obtain needless verification of their officious data collection.

Wow, I¡¯m in a bad mood today¡­
posted by Phanx at 6:40 AM on August 18 [8 favorites]

I still answer the phone for unknown numbers, because I get enough calls from doctor's offices to make it worth it. Depending on my mood, I either answer "Hello?" or stay silent. Unfortunately, some other people have put my number down for something, so I'll occasionally get calls for 2 other people, who I have no idea who they are.
Once, back in the 80s, while I was living on campus in college, my suitemates left for spring break, but I stayed. For some reason, they kept getting calls. Eventually, I'd had enough, went into their room, and answered the phone in a high squeaky voice, "Nobody home!" and hung up. Whoever was calling lost it. They kept calling, and I'd reply with variations of "No Ricky! No Johnny! Nobody home!" Eventually, I heard people running down the hall, but their lights were out, and blinds were down, so it was obvious that there was nobody there. They didn't think to check my room, next door.
The other thing we'd occasionally do is answer the phone as a random establishment, using the resident's name. "Margaret's house of pain. How may I hurt you?"
posted by Spike Glee at 6:43 AM on August 18 [3 favorites]

I'm almost 60 and definitely in the "phone calls are an imposition" camp. I am supposed to just immediately drop what I'm doing and talk to you? Really? Exceptions are, of course, made for people confirming or fulfilling appointments previously made. I've always felt this way, too.

These days the when the house phone rings -- we still pay for a separate "land line" number so we don't have to give out our cell phone numbers to businesses and randos -- it's usually that someone has misdialed the colonoscopy clinic. 90% of the time "hello" would better be replaced by "this is not the doctor's office, better luck next dial."
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:45 AM on August 18 [4 favorites]

The other thing we'd occasionally do is answer the phone as a random establishment, using the resident's name. "Margaret's house of pain. How may I hurt you?"

My freshman year dorm-mate did something like this for a while - "Betty's Boot Factory" or "Senor Pepe's Rose Garden" were two I remember. She stopped when a professor called her and was rather confused.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:47 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

We've been getting some work done around the house, and the worst part of it is having to answer the phone in case it's a contractor (aside from, of course, calling the contractors out of the blue to get an estimate). Some of them still apparently like to talk on the phone. Luckily our electrician is a texter.
posted by mollweide at 6:49 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

Once, while walking through WalMart one day, passing a display of children's books based on classic poems, they lined up as "HEY DIDDLE DIDDLE ITSY BITSY SPIDER", so I posted a photo online with the caption "this is how I answer the phone now". And, of course, I frequently remember to actually do in real life when my wife calls me, which she outwardly and vocally hates but secretly loves. The second part I just assume is true. She's one of those people who only talks on the phone on speakerphone with the phone held in front of her chin like she's about to blow dust off it, so my greeting gets heard by everyone.

I've gotten in the habit if just answering "This is Azrael" no matter what phone I answer. It seems to skip the formalities and cue the actual content of the call, which makes it easier to hang up on somebody you don't want to talk to.

But, as nearly everyone else has said, who answers the phone any more? If I don't recognize a number, I expect you to leave a voicemail. And I absolutely won't recognize your phone number, I have lost the skill to memorize phone numbers now that I have a pocket computer that will associate people with phone numbers for me. It's a little digital assistant who lets me know "Mr. Brown, it's your friend Garry on line one" or "Mr. Brown, they wouldn't say who they are, would you like me to take a message?"

The only place where this has been biting me in the ass lately is my...HMO? PPO? ... calls me to schedule appointments from random numbers, defeating my contact list, so the voicemail I get is an automated message that starts "THIS IS YOURHEALTHCAREPLACE, CALLING TO [SNCCHHHHHKKKXXXXXX] FOR YOUR [EEEEEEIIICCCCCCCCHHH] PLEASE RETURN THIS CALL AT 101-555-34[XXXKKKXXXXXX]".

In answering the phone, it is pretty much just my wife, who we call each other to ask any little question, but also I have a weekly scheduled call with my 70-year-old dad. This started during Covid, just to check in with each other; my mom passed during that time (not from Covid) but now that dad is alone we've kept this up. I'm the only one who he actually talks to, because my younger sibling and the grandkids (who also continued the check-ins) just do texts.

Film student update: Friday, I left my dayjob early to be on-set as camera operator for the indie horror/romance/thriller, at a airBnB which acted as two different locations, at 5pm, and we filmed until 10:00pm. Saturday, call time: 7am. We wrapped for the day at 10:30pm. Sunday, call time: 7am. We wrapped at 8:30pm last night. We did have nice lunches and plenty of time for breaks, but that is a LOT of hours on-set. The cinematographer wanted to do a lot of handheld camera, due to space limitations and to give it a certain 'energy', so basically I spent those ~34 hours with a 40-pound cinema camera strapped to my right hand. OK, I got to set the camera down between takes, but my right arms feels like I did 8,000 reps with a 50-pound dumbbell. The backs of my legs are stiff from standing and acting as stabilizers for the handheld camera. I wish I could still be sleeping.

But -- I wouldn't have it any other way. This is one of those things where, if I didn't love doing this, I'd have quit long ago. I post the cool, fun stuff here but I've dealt with problems and mistakes and bullshit as a freelancer and an artist -- and I'm rarely paid anything corresponding the amount of work I'm doing -- so I'm definitely running on the pure enjoyment of making something and then seeing it come to fruition.
posted by AzraelBrown at 6:53 AM on August 18 [10 favorites]

"What fresh hell is this?"

-ghost of Dorothy Parker
posted by mygraycatbongo at 6:57 AM on August 18 [6 favorites]

I was brought up in a household that answered the hole with the six-digit phone number (no area code). In retrospect, this should have been the first clue that my parents weren¡¯t neurotypical - for most people, a six digit number isn¡¯t a comforting welcome. Maybe ¡°hello¡±, or ¡°Ivel household!¡±, y¡¯know, human words, rather than a bunch of numbers.
posted by The River Ivel at 6:57 AM on August 18 [3 favorites]

I don't live in Japan, but if I did, I'd answer the phone like this guy.
posted by donuy at 7:02 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

A mycologist I know is phone impossible, I gave up phoning and texting to make plans, they are the one asking colleagues to phone them a few times a year in desperation to find their phone. Hates his phone, loses it often. The single call I received one Saturday evening was to inform me a feral cat had been spotted in the bushes just off the trail, and from there we met a few times to seek out the cat and coax it out if possible. It took days of leaving food for the cat, he finally live-trapped it, and aside from being mostly sightless due to eye infections the cat is doing well in his home. He named the cat Prince, ignored my suggestion for Zatoichi ( c'mon, Zato the cat-o?)
posted by Didymus at 7:06 AM on August 18 [1 favorite]

If it¡¯s a friend calling it¡¯s usually a friendly ¡°Hi [their name]!¡± If it¡¯s a business or organization (that I know and have an existing relationship with), or I¡¯m at work, I answer ¡°Erin speaking¡±.

Otherwise, calls go to voicemail and I don¡¯t bother answering. If it¡¯s important they can leave a voicemail.

My phone voice is a bit different from my usual voice. I don¡¯t know if I¡¯d call it an accent per se. But there¡¯s a certain rural bumpkin cadence and syntax that I¡¯m more likely to fall into speaking casually that I don¡¯t necessarily use at work or in more formal situations. I don¡¯t think I switch consciously, but I notice the difference every now and then.

Also, me, my mom, and my sister all share the same phone voice to the extent we¡¯ve had full on conversations with someone before realizing ¡°Oh! You want to talk to my mom!¡±

I¡¯m down in the dumps today. A family friend died last week. He was a very sweet and joyful person. He had a lot of health stuff going on, but it was still a bit unexpected maybe because this round he had sounded more optimistic about the outcome than maybe was warranted. Anyway, it¡¯s not just this that has me down, but it¡¯s kind of opened the floodgates of accumulated ennui and sadness. You know, the world, etc. So I¡¯m just sitting with it right now and staying open to the joyful things when they cross my path. That¡¯s really all I can do I guess.
posted by eekernohan at 7:08 AM on August 18 [11 favorites]

I rarely answer phone calls from numbers that I don't recognize, but when I do (if for example I am expecting a call from a doctor's surgery, hospital, government department, all of which will show up as unlisted numbers because they go through a switchboard) I just say "hello".

I rarely get scam phone calls,

but I used to get SO MANY pushy charity-mugger phone calls that would not take a breath during their giant sales pitch about their charity for me to get in "please take me off your telephone list."

A for-profit company working for commission on behalf of Amnesty International and the Red Cross were absolutely the worst offenders.

If I'm going to donate to a charity, I am going to do so online - and it's going to be a charity that is especially important to me, not just whoever rings me and is pushiest/guilt-trips me.

(In fact, I actually have a rule that if a for profit company tries to hard sell me on signing up to a monthly donation for a particular charity, I will never ever donate to that charity ever again in my life.)
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:13 AM on August 18 [5 favorites]

When I get land line calls I just pick up and don¡¯t say anything. That¡¯s the fastest way to auditory peace (phone stops ringing, nobody on the other end is connected to the call, unless it¡¯s the rare someone I actually do want to hear from in which case they¡¯ll start with the hellos). People I want to talk to will ~always call my cell, but we retain the land line in case there¡¯s a reception problem and we need to make an outgoing call (our house has steel siding so sometimes this has been an issue).
posted by eirias at 7:20 AM on August 18 [1 favorite]

Also, me, my mom, and my sister all share the same phone voice to the extent we¡¯ve had full on conversations with someone before realizing ¡°Oh! You want to talk to my mom!¡±

This happened to me and my mom when I was a teenager.

Which got really awkward when I answered the phone and it was my father calling from work, and he sounded....flirty.

"Hello?"
"Hey, baby....just a couple more hours and I'll be home."
"HI, DAD, IT'S ME, LET ME GO GET MOM!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:25 AM on August 18 [4 favorites]

Now that we have internal caller ID at work - it¡¯s a long saga of terrible phones and uninterested staff - I never know how to answer the phone. I used to say ¡°Boss¡¯ office, this is name¡± but now I feel as if I should say hello, caller or something like that. If I like them it¡¯s easy, I just say hey, but if I don¡¯t really, I tend to revert to ¡°Boss¡¯ Office.¡± I think I want to reintroduce some formality but I also suspect this is childish and petty on my part.

I too enjoy the relative peace of an area code from far far away, so I mostly answer local calls and not the ones from North Carolina. I just say hello. My phone problem, besides loathing the damn thing and a deep neurotic fear of making calls, is that I hate hate hate listening to my voicemail and I mostly just won¡¯t do it. For months. It says right in my outgoing message not to leave me a voicemail but to text yet they will do it. Argh.
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:31 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

I answer unknown callers right now since I'm expecting a bunch of medical stuff and you never know what number they'll have attached and half the time the phone says it's a spam call when it's the doc's reminder which is really annoying.

It took forever for me to stop answering hello, this is xxx who's this or the equivalent when I moved to a cell phone and it would bring up the person's name. It was just so ingrained in me to answer phones that way.
posted by Art_Pot at 7:32 AM on August 18

My experience is that people under the age of twenty-five years old do not answer the phone at all. If they even take the call, they sit there silently until you have said "Hello? HELLO?" enough times to truly embarrass yourself and then, just as you are about to decide there is a sound issue and they cannot hear you, they grudgingly begin to respond.

A few weeks ago I was in the company of a small phalanx of well-to-do college students and honestly was shocked at how many phone calls they made and how readily they answered calls to their phones. (I note the socioeconomic demo because who knows, maybe voice calls are something rich people are teaching their kids?)

In turn, I was able to shock them by knowing all the bands they like despite being a rather laughably middle-aged fart of a woman.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:42 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

"Greetings human"

...which I picked up from a younger co-worker and I think he got it from Robin Williams' Mork. But since it's usually my wife, I answer "Wèi?" in the Chinese fashion, voice rising.
posted by Rash at 7:52 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

I answer 'Hola Name" if i have the person in my contacts, or "Hola [paranoid silence]" if I don't.
Doesn't matter if it's a work call or any other kind.
posted by signal at 7:57 AM on August 18 [1 favorite]

When the land line rings, I know it's going to be a call center. So I do answer, to keep the phone ringing from waking up/interrupting Ms. Windo's work. I always answer with a somewhat pissed off "hello". Long pause. Beep sound, person tries to sell me their services. Just, no. Same approach for unknown numbers on my cell.
posted by Windopaene at 8:06 AM on August 18 [1 favorite]

Because so many auto caller systems are trained for words like "hi" and "hello" and "yes", I default to French or Japanese and that makes them hang up on me. (That last one is dangerous because scammers will try sometimes try to record your voice and that's a handy word for them to have). When is a real person, at least I've still said a greeting. Enchant¨¦ generally gets the nicest responses.
posted by foxtongue at 8:12 AM on August 18 [3 favorites]

I also despise the normalization of businesses that have a legit reason to call you but still do so using an autodialer. They clearly are multitasking and they pay zero attention to the call until you are shouting "YES? YES? HELLO? ARE YOU THERE?" If you're going to use the computer dialer to remind me of my doctor's appointment, you can at least have the decency to be ready to speak if/when I pick up.

Also a huge fan of answering the phone, "Hello, this is [my actual name]" and immediately being asked, "Hello. Is this [name I just fucking said]?"

Really though, as others have noted, the entire social contract around phone call decorum has been shattered by scammers and by younger folks who just don't wanna. Hoping any phone call that isn't from/to a dear friend or close family member won't be a hot mess is tilting at windmills shit anymore.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:14 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

Back in the day it was the custom of certain people who thought they were important to have their secretary (remember those?) call you and say 'Entitled Asshole will speak to you' and leave you on hold with like fucking muzak.
I'd always hang up.
The secretary would call back, flustered, repeating "Entitled Asshole, etc.".
I'd hang up again.
On the third try, either the secretary would call again and scold me for not holding for Entitled Asshole, or mr. Asshole himself (always a he) would call directly.
Good times.
posted by signal at 8:25 AM on August 18 [9 favorites]

I live in Florida but have kept the cell phone number I had when I lived in North Carolina, so if I see a 704 area code I know it's spam and don't answer. I also get political advertising for North Carolina candidates, and lately I've been getting phishing texts from someone claiming that I've violated North Carolina toll road restrictions. I only pick up the phone if it's from someone in my area code (usually a doctor's office or something like that). I haven't had a landline in 13 years.

In other news, I dropped off the kid at university last week - he's 22 and it's the first time he's lived away from home, so lots of anxiety to go with the excitement. I'm having to physically resist texting him at all hours to say, "Did you pay this bill? Have you taken your meds? Are you eating ok?" Also I've been applying for jobs all summer since the stay-at-home mom gig has gotten pretty thin with no kid in the house, but I'm getting no traction anywhere - chances are there are a lot of good candidates who don't have 22-year holes in their resumes.
posted by Daily Alice at 8:25 AM on August 18 [4 favorites]

Mr. Meat did actually answer the phone with "Ahoy hoy!" the other day - he thought it was a friend at the hospital - nope, it was the tree trimmers. They were hella confused.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 8:26 AM on August 18 [4 favorites]

Being trans and only recently having changed my name has had one pretty amusing side effect, even on top of the original one. Firstly, I let most calls go to voicemail unless it's from a specific set up numbers (which is basically my wife, my doctor's office, my therapist, my wife's doctor's office, or my wife's therapist, because if they're calling me, shit has gone sideways.)

My deadname is Geoffrey. The number of people who called up from one call-farm or another asking for "Gee-oh-fer-ee" or "Guh-guh-guffrey" or something like that let me know what I could just abandon when I heard the start of the voicemail. Now I can delete it even faster! And if they manage somehow to get through and I answer it, for example if I'm waiting on a call and they spoof a number similar to it - which has happened - they ask for my deadname, and I can say, with perfect truth and honesty, "I'm sorry, he's dead."

I should not take as much amusement in it as I do.
posted by mephron at 8:30 AM on August 18 [20 favorites]

Also, me, my mom, and my sister all share the same phone voice to the extent we¡¯ve had full on conversations with someone before realizing ¡°Oh! You want to talk to my mom!¡±

This happened with an ex-roommate of mine. To add to the hilarity, his parents used his middle name, because he had the same first name as his dad. (A family tradition, his great aunt and eventually one of his kids also had the name.) Phone calls would go;
"Hello?"
"Hello , Brian?"
"Huh?"
"Oh, hi Spike, is Kim there?"
posted by Spike Glee at 8:37 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

I hate phone calls and having a job where I'd be on the phone all day was the worst experience of my life. My problem was I'd unconsciously mimic the accent of the person I was talking to. I wasn't making fun of them or anything. I didn't realize I was doing it. But if someone talks a certain way my brain just goes "OK, this is how we're talking. I'll do that too". So a southern accent would be my version of a southern accent or a upper midwest accent would get that. And most of the time it was fine. I doubt they even noticed. It was a problem though when I got calls from Jamaica.
posted by downtohisturtles at 8:38 AM on August 18 [3 favorites]

And, since this is a freethread...

One week from right now I will be packing and loading up my car for a road trip to Yellowstone, (the most amazing place on earth). Haven't been in six years or so, and am pretty excited. This time, Steamboat will erupt while I am watching, (missed it by like six hours on my last visit, when it erupted at 4 AM, And I got to Norris at 10 AM).

Watched a YouTube of one of the recent eruptions, and all the people watching were losing their minds. One dude just shouting "Steamboat!!!!" So much joy. I will probably just start crying if it happens.

And I had some other freethread comment to make, but have forgotten what is was.
posted by Windopaene at 8:39 AM on August 18 [6 favorites]

Thankfully they don't seem to be as much of a thing anymore, but I hate political robocalls that pretend to be voicemails from the candidate. "Hello this is $MAJOR POLITICAL CANDIDATE. I'm sorry I missed you, but I'm calling to remind you of how important this election is"

In the early 2000s I was so cheesed off at a Republican candidate who was doing this repeatedly that I called his local campaign headquarters to disingenuously return the call. "What do you mean it was just a robocall? He left me a message on my answering machine! How should I know he wasn't personally trying to call me?"
posted by RonButNotStupid at 8:44 AM on August 18 [5 favorites]

Rarely does one calls me unexpectedly that I know. Usually we text.

I answer the phone with my first (technically middle) and last name. This throws off bots.

Aside: my middle name is part of my legal name, but throws all sorts of systems out of whack. ¡°Preferred name¡± should be a required field for every system, and things like email addresses and usernames should be based off that.

1. If your legal first name is what you go by, good for you. Type it in.
2. Go by your middle name? Type it in, and you won¡¯t have colleagues confused.
3. Go by a standard nickname (¡°Chris¡± for ¡°Christopher¡±)? Type it in. Legal forms will have the legal name, your Teams ID will show what folks know you as.
4. Other name? Same as #3.

This should not be hard, yet is almost universally gotten wrong.
posted by MrGuilt at 8:48 AM on August 18 [4 favorites]

I don't.

My family and I give each other a heads up text, establishing whether or not it's a good time to call. They get a cheerful hello. Everyone else--that is to say, robocalls--can leave a voicemail which will be duly ignored.
posted by sugarbomb at 8:57 AM on August 18

Like many here, I answer the phone, "Hey [NAME]" (because I don't answer any numbers except the ones that have my medical organization's prefix). This disconcerts only one of my friends. We're both Boomer-age, but she is the only one of my friends who acts like the stereotypical Boomer. For her, I answer, "Hey, [NAME] how you doing?" and she says, "Hi, [MYNAME] it's [NAME]," and I say "Yup," and she gives a nervous little laugh. EVERY TIME. (yes, it amuses me, so I'm childish.)

With everyone else, I mostly text asynchronously (including with my adult child).

Listen, I know everyone is different, but I am one of those text people, because I read fast and I have other things to do. That goes for audiobooks, podcasts, and pretty much anything where I have the option of reading. If I have to, I can change, I guess, as Red Green used to say.

Got my septum pierced in honor of my 74th birthday. The piercer said now I would look "cool," and I said I don't want to look cool, I just want to do what I want, and now I'm old enough to have a piercing in my face. My other five piercings don't count.
posted by Peach at 9:04 AM on August 18 [6 favorites]

On another subject¡­
Every time I see one of the WalMart commercials featuring Walton Goggins I find myself wondering who at WalMart thought Boyd Crowder would make a great spokesman.
posted by Thorzdad at 9:05 AM on August 18 [5 favorites]

Just remembered that in 2018 I asked MeFites to send me things to read out in my accent, and a lot of MeFites did, and a bunch were (perhaps) suitable as phone voicemail prompts. They are still online, for your pleasure, amusement and/or possible use.
posted by Wordshore at 9:09 AM on August 18 [6 favorites]

Peach: "Got my septum pierced in honor of my 74th birthday. The piercer said now I would look "cool," and I said I don't want to look cool, I just want to do what I want, and now I'm old enough to have a piercing in my face. My other five piercings don't count."

Good on you. I've always wanted a tatoo but I'm not supposed to because I get keloids (massive scars) but I'm 54 and maybe I don't care if I scar? Maybe a 3d tat would be even better?
posted by signal at 9:18 AM on August 18 [3 favorites]

I'm running the newest public beta of iOS 26, which has more robust call screening options. Numbers not already in my contacts are answered silently, and I'll get a ping if they leave a message (which I don't even need to listen to because there'll be a transcription.)

For most callers, since my phone will show me a picture of who's calling, I'll greet them by name.

I was raised to answer any phone with "lastname residence, emelenjr speaking," and I can't remember when I fell out of that habit. I'm guessing high school, when I had a phone line in my bedroom.
posted by emelenjr at 9:33 AM on August 18

I still have my old landline in addition to my cellphone. A couple of times I've gotten up in the morning and see the voicemail light blinking. And then there's no actual message, just silence for a few seconds. So someone calls while I'm sound asleep and just...hangs up. Well alrighty then.
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 9:35 AM on August 18

I have my default ringtone set to silence and only change it for contacts I want to receive calls from. I did the Incogni and don't get many unwanted calls anymore. I still occasionally get a call or message for Maurice or Kim or Priscilla even now after having had my number for almost two decades.

Among my coworkers there's been kind of an ongoing joke that when we get asked about whatever problem is happening, we respond, “Primero, buenos dias.” Una peque?a broma.

As always, my deepest sympathies to hearts that grieve and best wishes to those who struggle with THE WEIGHT.
posted by ob1quixote at 9:45 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

IMHO Caller ID is what changed the act of answering the phone from "Hello LastName residence..." to "I don't* recognize that number, not gonna answer". And you had to pay the phone company an extra monthly fee to get the CallerID data in addition to buying a separate little box that would display it.
* sometimes you wouldn't answer because you DID recognize it.
posted by achrise at 9:49 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

Unless you're in my address book you'll be talking to my voicemail. And even then there's no guarantee I'll answer. I've always hated talking on the phone (missed the Senior Prom because of it), I'm not about to start now.
posted by tommasz at 9:51 AM on August 18 [1 favorite]

I loved how my grandparents had a talking CallerID box that would announce the state and read out the number. They didn't even have to get up to decide not to pick up.
posted by downtohisturtles at 9:52 AM on August 18 [3 favorites]

I'm always surprised that cellphones don't understand CallerID data. Like, shouldn't my phone be able to tell me who's calling, not just their number?

Not that CallerID spoofing isn't a real thing, we deal with that at work a lot. There's some days when all we get are calls where the caller ID lists a business or a name that we're pretty sure is not accurate. Only businesses legitimately call us, and really most are government offices, and we generally know who's going to call us. A Texas area code from JOHNSON MICHAEL is probably not someone we want to talk to.
posted by AzraelBrown at 10:03 AM on August 18 [1 favorite]

I don't think I have ever had a spam call (seriously, no idea why not, enjoying it while it lasts), and very rarely get phone calls at all, but I do for various reasons get real calls from 'number withheld' - I answer 'kia ora, ko [ngaiotonga] t¨¥nei' and people who know me know it's me because of the 'kia ora' and people who don't know me just hear '[mumble mumble][ngaiotonga]' and only pick up the name, which is also fine.
I live in the UK now, so nobody actually knows what I'm saying when I answer the phone but also nobody seems to care.
posted by ngaiotonga at 10:13 AM on August 18 [3 favorites]

When I was a child/teen, IF I was allowed to answer the phone, I was instructed to always say "Lastname residence, Firstname speaking." Spam, phishing, etc. wasn't as big a deal back then and people hadn't developed a culture of caginess around answering the phone, nevertheless by the time I was a teenager I'd learned to just wordlessly hang up on sales people.

As an adult, the availability of Caller ID meant that if I didn't know a phone number I didn't answer it. I let it go to answering machine (first tape then electronic), then played at least some of the message back to see who it was and decide if I'd call them back or erase the rest of the message. Annoyed the hell out of my boomer mom that she wasn't the one in control of our phone conversations; I considered that a major benefit of the technology rather than a shortcoming. Later came (still landline) phones with "live" voicemail built-in - I could hear the caller as they started to leave a message, and picked up the call if they were deemed worthy. My friends would just say "Hi, it's (friend's name)" and pause to let me pick up; of course if I really wasn't home/couldn't answer they'd actually leave a message. I got a cell phone in the late 90s, which did all that for me so I dropped the landline like a hot potato (not least of which because my housemate at the time simply could not let the phone go unanswered).

Nowadays with smartphones, when people in my contact list call me their name displays so I know I can go ahead and answer; any unidentified phone numbers get ignored (and they almost never bother to leave a message, which only confirms the call's spamminess as far as I'm concerned). Although to be honest I only rarely get spam calls, I guess I've been cagy enough to avoid most of their lists?

Anyway, due to that lovely technology, when I do answer the phone my response depends on who it is: with some of my friends I might greet them with a friendly insult or a shared in-joke or a silly voice*; with other friends it's usually a simple warm "hi!" For everyone else, for instance a family member or my Dr's office or a pizza delivery person who can't figure out where I live (it's not that difficult, but some folks manage to get confused anyway), I just answer "Hello?"

At my job I always answer with an efficient and professional "Firstname Lastname", because our phone system doesn't identify the caller. It could be a coworker, my manager, or a support customer, so businesslike is safest.

All that said, talking on the telephone in general has never bothered me. I'm just selective, is all.

I mostly text with my son, since that's the only way he'll respond, but I don't mind too much. Occasionally I try to call him about something I think warrants a phone call, only to get a "this mailbox is full" message (because he has never deleted or even listened to his voicemails ?). Usually he'll - eventually - see I tried to call, and call me back.


*such as:
"Heya, meatbag!"
"YOU again!!"
"Lastname summer home - summ'er here, summ'er not!"
"Lastname Acorn Farm, which nut do you want to speak to?"
(gruff voice) "8-Ball's Pool Parlor, 8-Ball speakin'."
"Come outta thar!" (very specific in-joke, long story)
...you get the idea

Also, I'm stealing Spike Glee's "Margaret's house of pain. How may I hurt you?" and foxtongue's "Enchant¨¦"!
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:19 AM on August 18 [3 favorites]

I am a local union President, and my personal phone number is listed in various places for our union members - like bulletin boards in break rooms, etc. I try to answer calls unless it says 'possible spam' or 'spam', ever since the first time years ago I answered an unknown number and it was someone from the union who I had never talked to before, but who was in a personal crisis.

I always sit down directly on the floor or ground when I am getting bad information or news via phone call. All the times I talk on the phone about a bad thing are accompanied by me picking fuzz out of a carpet, or piling up small pieces of gravel out of a driveway.
posted by lizard music at 11:31 AM on August 18 [13 favorites]

I only answer my cellphone when I know who it is, or if it resembles a number I'm expecting a call from. My current provider (or just the whole network maybe) helpfully flags likely spam, and/or shows the originating city. Anything unrecognized I let go to voicemail. Only friends, family and useful others get my cell #.

We also still have a landline ($10/month) because it's been our contact # for about 36 years for a number of businesses, government depts, etc, and it's what I provide to new businesses etc if I'm not likely to need to talk to them much. We almost never answer the landline, we let it go to voicemail. The landline message is simply me reciting the phone number, followed by the beep. The landline is a sort of clearing house and spam trap. About 75% of the calls we receive on the landline are spam or scam.

Usually I answer my cellphone with a sort of singsong-y "Hello!" (a fifth and a third, musically). If I know and like the caller, it might be something else, gregarious or humourous usually.

Wordshore, thanks for the link to your recorded messages.

* * *
I've always felt that the phone system could be deshittified somewhat with a few changes:
1 - make legit number and caller ID mandatory, especially for businesses, campaigns, etc. No spoofing or hiding. Generalized IDs or exceptions for government, "authorities" etc.
2 - provide a very simple way for recipients to flag a call as a scam, harassment, etc. Such as: if you hang up and dial *55, the previous received call is flagged. Specific dialled numbers could mean different things (*X for scam, *Y for harassment, etc), or there could be a brief automated questionnaire ("Press 1 for a possible scam call", etc). Yes the volume to handle would be huge, and there would be tons of false positives (eg flagging of legal robocalling) but by using automated statistical methods on the reams of data, patterns would emerge, the false positives could be identified and weeded out, and patterns would quickly emerge (eg spotting a new scam campaign launched from country/region X).

These won't happen of course; the cost, and because the phone systems make too much money from serving up us residential customers as marks to anonymized bulk callers.

* * *

In life... August has just blown past. The heat put a damper on many activities. And the City is now leaning on me to close out some rather old building permits (gulp) so I have been doing the last 1% on the old work, locating documents, and general cleanup. Wish me luck.
posted by Artful Codger at 11:42 AM on August 18 [3 favorites]

legal robocalling

In a just world, that would be an oxymoron.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:49 AM on August 18 [2 favorites]

"Firstly, I let most calls go to voicemail" then ignore my voicemail. No joke, my voicemail message is "Do not leave a voicemail, send me a text."

Alternatively, "Galactica actual, report."
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 12:00 PM on August 18 [1 favorite]

Somewhere deep in the bowels of MetaFilter -- or maybe someplace else? We're talking caveman times here, I no longer remember -- there is a wonderful story of a guy who was getting endless fax calls over and over and over, and somehow he was able to match the caller ID fax number to the company and called to tell them to stop, and the receptionist was very very rude and wouldn't do anything, BUT, luckily he had this new whizbang phone system from the cable company that could, get this, forward calls just from one specific number to another specific number, so he had all the fax calls forwarded to that receptionist.

One of these days stories like this will require glossary footnotes just like a Victorian novel.
posted by JanetLand at 12:07 PM on August 18 [12 favorites]

"Hi Mom" for me too, since she's about the only person I use the phone to talk with regularly.

Otherwise, unless it's a call I'm specifically expecting for some reason, I have no reason to answer the phone to talk to anyone right away. If it's important, they'll leave a message and I'll call back. Other family and friends text. Work conferencing is all done via Google Meets or Zoom.
posted by Pryde at 12:34 PM on August 18

Lately if I don't recognize a number I use my best grad-school Broadcast I and II voice to very loudly say "Caller, you're live on the air! Caller, you're live! ... Caller? Caller?"
posted by jgirl at 12:55 PM on August 18 [6 favorites]

I only get calls from companies wanting my (non-existant) money for my mounting debts, so I do not answer the phone as there is nothing productive that can happen ("what part of 'i literally have no money' do you not understand?").

Otherwise, people I know get answered with their name and a "hi" or whatever.

I still have a landline as the only internet I can get here is DSL, and that one does not get answered.
posted by maxwelton at 1:18 PM on August 18 [1 favorite]

Back in my college days, back when we had landline phones and actually called people to talk, my dorm roommate would answer our phone with "Central Command." I found this hilarious and started using it myself. Used it for the rest of my time in that dorm.
posted by zardoz at 1:18 PM on August 18 [5 favorites]

Here, in Germany, I answer with just my last name. I love it, terse, to the point, efficient and also, because it's a french name and not at all disguise-able as anything but, a reminder that I am 'strange' here. The difficult part is that in return, people answer with their own name (which I never catch) and who/where they are calling from (which I also mostly don't catch. My German is less than it should be and it's a teeny bit a problem. In fact it's the primary reason I hate talking on the phone - I have to get my brain up to speed to use the 'other' language and it's an effort and there's no guarantee that I'll actually make sense when I do, or understand (accents, bad connections, ambient noise upping the difficulty significantly) the person on the other end.)
The only 'spam' calls we get are from the phone company wanting to sell us minutes or some other service. No robocalls otherwise. We do get scam texts but they're always pretty damn transparent.
Recently when I back in the US visiting family, I was flabbergasted at the volume of spam/scam malicious calls. Not a few of them spoofing their caller ID as some doctor's office or other expected call. Almost one every hour. I gotta say, it was a huge fucking drag - and because so many of the calls were pretending to be "useful/necessary" each had to be listened to at least, to sort them out.

On an entirely non-technological note, the storks down the street have been gearing up to head back down south. They go out on test flights with other storks in the area, you see groups of them soaring, flapping, honking at each other - they have a crazy profile, seen from the ground. I'm not gonna do it - never say never but I'm not - but I get the appeal of birding. (I cannot tell you how strange this is to me: I am not a birding candidate (I wouldn't think) and yet I find myself searching out tree-tops, listening for bird song. On this last trip I heard a 'painted bunting' and holy shit it was loud! I'm not keeping lists though. And I won't be.)
posted by From Bklyn at 2:08 PM on August 18 [5 favorites]

Many years ago, back in landline days, I was self-employed and the house rules were that if the phone rang during working hours, the offspring were to answer it politely and to take careful notes. Unfortunately the two teenage boys were unlikely to answer the phone with anything more than "Yer?", and noting anything down was completely out of the question. I still remember the day when I was told that there had been a call. "Who from?" I asked. "Dunno... something about two weeks work... Mauritius or somewhere." Never did find out what that one was.

And I too used to get the "this is Microsoft, we have scanned your computer and it has a virus" calls. I used to ask if they knew it was illegal to access a computer without permission (which in the UK it was) and that we were tracing the call for enforcement purposes. Rapid termination of call.
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 2:13 PM on August 18 [2 favorites]

In a just world, that would be an oxymoron.

It comes down to consent or reasonable expectation of consent

My union robocalls me, very infrequently but still. The political party I support robocalls me for polling data. I'm okay with it.
posted by Didymus at 2:49 PM on August 18

it is uncanny but no one has talked politics one lick since the election at my workplace nor any of the places that I frequent.
all those around me who voted for him, don't speak about it.

I think it's because of money. (every time I see the oval Office on the news it seems to be getting more gold. is it like a merit system where each new confounding action deserves a new filigree wall sconce or urn.)

I said to coworker today, here's the deal, as this person did not vote for him, the three most powerful things you can have is Lawyers, Guns and Money to protect one from others. Attack that and citizens are rendered near powerless and all the money may not protect one.

"then what the hell is going on"

it means we're all dangerous now.
posted by clavdivs at 3:59 PM on August 18

"Jason's Castle. What's your Hassle!?!?!?!"
posted by jasondigitized at 4:12 PM on August 18 [1 favorite]

I try not to answer the phone if I don't recognize the number, which is either spam or a doctor these days (sigh). I hate having to answer the "probably doctor" calls at work since I'm supposed to not answer at my desk and run outside into the hall every effing time. I'll have to start answering again for job hunting, dammit. And change my voice mail to More Professional And Boring, sigh. Right now it says I can't take phone calls during the day and I'm not answering spam calls, so actually leave a message.

Murder on the Nile has now ended. It had some snags the last weekend--literally, my shawl kept snagging when I had to remove it, dammit, and I never once got all the lines right in a show-- but ah well. I had a very good time and a lot of good reviews. Can I just say here that I'm really pettily annoyed that certain friends of mine did not show up? Some had reasons like "sick" or "in Turkey" and there's not much you can do there, and some friends of mine won't go to anything so nothing you can do about them either, and lord knows I'm not usually the person who gets a lot of butts in seats just to see me (though some people did! I'm so pleased!), but one friend in particular had no excuse and I know it and they usually go to shows at this theater, and I'm ticked off at the slight because in that person's case, it feels like a slight. The rest of the friend group came, but not that person, and it was out of character. I really wanted some people to see how GOOD I was in this, and I'm sad they won't, and good parts for me are rare so it might not happen again. I hope I get a video of the show, but who knows, people promise those and they tend to not happen.

Happily, I have today and tomorrow off from my current show, so I can have two days of rest. I need to not tell people I'm free, but I oopsed at one of them and she wants dessert tonight.

I auditioned for another show last night, a melodrama. I want THE MOST MELODRAMATIC PART POSSIBLE, I wrote on the form, since it wasn't real clear what each character was like from the sketchy descriptions given. Very few people were at it, and it was just me and my MOTN castmate who auditioned with me that actually acted melodramatically. I'm baffled at actors who go to an audition and they don't put on any kind of character personality and they just read like their normal selves reading the grocery list. AT A MELODRAMA AUDITION?!? I'd like to hope this bodes well for me on getting a good part, since I doubt they'll get a lot of people doing this one, but since I can't make the first two weeks of rehearsal due to being in a show already, who knows.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:14 PM on August 18 [4 favorites]

recently when I back in the US visiting family, I was flabbergasted at the volume of spam/scam malicious calls. Almost one every hour. I gotta say, it was a huge fucking drag

I so miss the intimacy and fidelity of long, land-line discussions, the warm, ergonomic handset fitting easily next to my ear. But because of this shit, strangers making it ring every hour, had to let it go, and they sure were making it easy, charging so much for POTS.

I keep my parents' old Western Electric dial telephone on a shelf next to my bed, like Goodnight Moon. Just in case my mom makes it ring some night, like a 'Twilight Zone' - it's not plugged in, no dial tone even if it was, but I'd sure hate to miss that call.
posted by Rash at 4:54 PM on August 18 [4 favorites]

Had my weekly visit with a friend group, then went to the grocery. Called friends I carpool with to a weekly event and made plans for an impromptu shared dinner. While I was in the store, there was a shooting in the road out front, then a car chase as the shooter sped off and was followed by a UHaul truck. I came outside to the road being full of emergency vehicles and flashing lights. It seemed dire, I assumed it was a bad car accident, said a little prayer, headed home, then to my friends'.

Our phones started making noise; it was an emergency text warning that the shooter was at large and we should lock the doors and use caution. This is not something that happens much in Maine; I was rattled being so close to a murder and the idea of mass violence in my community. I still am. My phone rang, it was my son, and I answered, I'm Fine.

The shooter took his own life and was found relatively quickly. Too many guns, not enough health care and community. I hate the way America is now; I love that so many of us are saying Hell, No. We have so much - wealth, resources, space - and for so many it isn't enough, and the distribution is appalling.

We can't have nice things(phones, email, etc) because they will be exploited for profit. We can't share our resources so that everyone can live well, and the wealthy could live pretty darn well. Some person was proceeding about their day and is inexplicably dead. I'm still rattled.
posted by theora55 at 5:23 PM on August 18 [7 favorites]

Glad you're safe, theora55 -- and sweet of your son to reach out to you so promptly.
posted by wenestvedt at 6:14 PM on August 18 [3 favorites]

I went to the beach this past Saturday, did my usual thing, sea glass hunt, cajole my wife to get in the water, talk with people. Got in the water for about 20 minutes.

I get out and I see three younger guys coming across the beach, pointing to the water and warning two people standing waist deep about something. No one is yelling shark. My wife is sure one of the guys said stingray. The two waders got out. I go over and I'm like "what did you see?" Sting or manta ray. I figure they are city boys and saw a larger than average skate.

And then we saw it gliding in 3 feet of water, about 3-4 feet wide, 5 feet long, and I think I saw a barb on the tail but can't be sure.

We all tracked it along the beach but it moved out deeper and we lost it. Based on the timeline I was in the water with it. I open my eyes underwater, we could have come face to face. I'm probably going to write poems about it.
posted by vrakatar at 7:39 PM on August 18 [10 favorites]

Rash: "But because of this shit, strangers making it ring every hour,

I used to have spam calls every 15 seconds.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:42 PM on August 18

I have spam calls at least every ten minutes, and many times I have to answer.

So I do answer silently. I am exhausted. 90% of calls are spam.

the scariest are the calls that never announce anthing, even if you do answer, they hang up immediately without acknowledgement. thats about 15% of calls, just fishing for a pickup, or your location, i suppose.

80% of the time, the call center will start their script without your answer, so it's an energy saving technique to remain silent, and if you want to shoo them / garble their data, you can answer "numero equivocado" or answer in another language and hang up
posted by eustatic at 8:10 PM on August 18 [1 favorite]

....????.... YELL-OH!

[dodging thrown rotten fruit]
posted by not_on_display at 8:50 PM on August 18 [1 favorite]

"Hey bitch" to select friends. I love it.
posted by honey badger at 9:06 PM on August 18 [2 favorites]

Oooh, I have a stingray story.

So in my teens, I was doing scuba classes. Probably 15-16 years old, so, late 70s. Local guy who did all the youth scuba classes. turned out to be a total pedophile, but no one seemed to notice. So, He ran trips. And we went from Kansas City down to Miami on a bus, and then got onto two boats, to go down to the Bahamas to dive.

I got the first shift behind the wheel of the boat, crossing the Gulf Stream. An interesting night.
I kept us on track though, yay me.

One of the boats ran out of gas on the way, so things went a little sideways there, but...

Walked across whatever island were were at, and found a liquor store. And bought liquor. And drank a lot of it once we were back on the boat. First bad drinking experience. I barfed all over my bed in the night. Probably kept me from being molested, but was nasty...

Anyway, on our way back, we docked at Bimini. And someone on our boat lost a shirt over the side. I was all I can get it, and jumped in. I did get it. However, there was a large current, and I could not easily get back to the boat, and had to go somewhere else to get back to shore.

Went around to the docks where the current was not so aggressive. See a man up on the dock cutting up fish, and throwing the offal into the water. He sees me, and yells out, "there is a stingray behind you". Which there was. So I swam away to get away. And then he shouts, "there is another one behind you", which there was. Scuba diving just seemed full of potential death, and while you could deal with certain dangers related to taking a breath and ascending, creatures in the ocean that could kill you were not particularly avoidable.

Terrifying.
posted by Windopaene at 9:36 PM on August 18 [5 favorites]

Just calling in to link the Caregiver Support Thread posted by mygothlaundry in IRL.

And, while I'm about it, the August GSD thread.
posted by paduasoy at 12:30 AM on August 19 [5 favorites]

Gah, speaking of fax calls, I got a new job a few months ago that requires me to come in to an office, and periodically ¡ª maybe every five or six weeks ¡ª I will get a rash of machine calls on this phone, just a series of slow beeps with no person on the other end. Sometimes the calls are in quick succession, sometimes they are spaced by 45 minutes or so. The apparent origin is different every time. I am so curious.
posted by eirias at 3:34 AM on August 19

Unknown callers I pick up without saying anything. The spam call centers usually have a computer mass dialing, and connecting any call answered with a voice to call center drone. Any other call the computer will think "that's either another computer, or a fax, or something, but not a person" and just drop the call, mark the number as "not human" and move on.

Very useful. A growing number of calls by unknown numbers are real, and I usually start the conversation by explaining the method, gaining converts for filtering this way.
posted by DreamerFi at 3:40 AM on August 19 [4 favorites]

Also, last week was really, really hard for me and I had zero spare brainpower, but I¡¯m hoping to get an LGBTQ+ news post up in the next couple days.
posted by mephron at 4:36 AM on August 19 [7 favorites]

My mother was 8 years old when Korea was liberated from Japanese colonial rule. This meant that her earliest schooling was in Japanese, as the Japanese colonial rulers were intent on eradicating Korean culture and language. One remnant of this experience was she continued to use Japanese words in certain contexts, despite mostly forgetting Japanese as an adult (in contrast, my father, who was older than her when liberation happened, continued to be fluent in both spoken and written Japanese all his life). And one peculiar habit of hers was when she saw somebody answering the phone on TV, she'd go "Moshi moshi" - but she never actually said this when answering the phone herself. As a child I just thought it was an odd habit of my mom's, and it wasn't until I started casually learning Japanese myself that I learned this was how Japanese answered the phone.
posted by needled at 8:24 AM on August 19 [3 favorites]

so I've missed about half of my french classes due to migraines and miss a lot of the chatter between people, but found out yesterday that about half the class is either getting ready to move to france now or in the next couple of years. since this is my first one I don't know how typical that is, but it was an interesting fact.

Three weeks till Paris for a month! I really hope my migraines are calmer there.
posted by Art_Pot at 10:56 AM on August 19 [1 favorite]

Do not use Sharepoint. Under any circumstances, ever, no matter how much you've been told it might work.

It's 24 years old and it still can't even do core file storage functions like copying files or deleting files. No, I'm not kidding or exaggerating.

Your poor IT people will be told by Microsoft to use PowerShell. This is a trick to drive us all mad.

The PowerShell module for Sharepoint is more or less compeltely undocumented. And the documentation that does exist is frequenly wrong for one simple reason:

The PowerShell module for Sharepoint is under development so rapid that core functions simply vanish, replaced by an ever more complex, baroque, and obscure set of other functions that are supposedly better. None of this is documented.

I just spent my morning finding out why a script I wrote around four months ago wouldn't work. Not one, not two, but three different functions I'd used either no longer exist or have a different set of functions and variables. In one case a function that returned an (undocumented) object that contianed a simple string variable had replaced that string with a sub-object (also undocumented anywhere). So I had to basiclaly hack the object to even figure out how it worked and that it did, deep under two layers of get functions, contain the string I'd been looking for.

SharePoint is not merely worthless, it has negative value. You will spend so much more on IT people doing pointless and unnecessary work to make even the simplest things do what they should that it isn't worth it.

Sharepoint, just say no!
posted by sotonohito at 10:59 AM on August 19 [8 favorites]

sotonohito, Sharepoint has started starting up and I keep ending it. ICK
posted by theora55 at 11:03 AM on August 19

Do not use Sharepoint. Under any circumstances, ever, no matter how much you've been told it might work.

I have no personal experience with Sharepoint, but my quite large company (you'd recognize the name) has recently moved to it for almost all of our internal document storage. I "look forward" to seeing how it all plays out (and will be backing up all my own files to an external drive, at a minimum).
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:07 AM on August 19 [2 favorites]

Oh hi, long term folder structure integrity is crucial to the function of my job and SharePoint has been serving me quite poorly since 2019. I have been using SharePoint since [refers to calendar] 2019.
posted by phunniemee at 11:30 AM on August 19 [4 favorites]

Greg_Ace Well, just so you can prepare yourself for the coming horror, let me describe the process for copying/moving a file from one site to another.

I swear I am not exaggerating, mocking, or otherwise trying to make this sound worse.

The problem: when you select the option to copy/move a file (or files) you are presented with a window that displays other folders in the current document library, other document libraries in the current site, and "Quick Access" which is autopopulated and cannot be manually changed.

If your destination is listed, you're in luck. If not....

Click "more places" just below the quick access list.

You will see a list of recent sites. This is also autopopulated and cannot be manually changed.

if your destination site is in that list you're in luck.. If not close the copy/move window and enter the following cycle

Go to the destination site, open any random document library, create a file or folder, delete the file or folder you just created.

Back in your browser tab with the site you want to copy from, close any open copy/move dialogs, then open it again and see if the destination site is now listed in your Recents.

Repeat as needed until the destination site appears in your recents.

That's the actual answer from Microsoft. I swear I'm not exaggerating even a little.

There is literally no possible way to simply select the site you want to send a file to. Or search for it. Or anything.

Bonus points!

Got many files to copy/move/delete?

Good luck. Sometimes you tell it to copy/move/delete many items at a time and it does (slowly). Sometimes it claims it's doing it (slowly) but never actually does the job.

Want to move/copy/delete more than 5,000 items? You can't. No, really, you can't. That 5,000 item limit is hard coded into SharePoint by Microsoft and they can't either.

The other approach is PowerShell, which I've discussed above.... In theory all those limits and problems and annoyances can be bypassed by using PowerShell scripts. Not a scripter? Microsoft wishes you the best of luck in learning to be.

Microsoft is taking a similar "lulz just wait and see if it happens by magic" approach to joining devices to Intune. Got a computer that's not joining right away? Well, I guess you just keep running gpupdate /force over and over and restarting and hoping it joins automatically because it is flat out impossible to get on a device and tell it to join a given company's Intune. It either "just works" (to quote Apple), or it doesn't and you're stuck. There is no make it work option.
posted by sotonohito at 1:30 PM on August 19 [2 favorites]

Whenever I've had to interact with Microsoft's interfaces, accounts, etc., I come away confused as to how they function at all, much less run a successful business.
posted by signal at 7:33 PM on August 19 [1 favorite]

The day Microsoft ships something that doesn't suck is when they start selling vacuum cleaners.
posted by DreamerFi at 1:43 AM on August 20 [2 favorites]

I hate Sharepoint.

I also really hate OneDrive. OneDrive completely trashed the battery on one work computer, due to a bug in the sync function that would draw power from the battery even when the laptop was plugged in. My office is on the smaller side, but thankfully we still have a couple of onsite IT people, so I was able to make an appointment, take the laptop up and show the IT person in real time. He was totally astonished and made arrangements right there to replace the laptop. My current device is officially up for replacement.

In other news, I made an executive decision and hired someone to come in and clean the downstairs a twice a month. I no longer have the energy (physically or mentally) to keep on top of it and the constant battle with the other residents of this home to pick up after themselves has taken an official toll. She came for the first time yesterday. Walking through a clean, organized downstairs and tidied bathrooms was AMAZING.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 3:23 AM on August 20 [5 favorites]

My workplace uses sharepoint - they don't give the average person access to Powershell, which is used to create automated processes, like automatically uploading documents to Sharepoint from your local computer. So there is no way to do so. Which if you are working on documents all day that are meant to be shared (see SharePoint?) then you have to follow the manual upload process which generally works, but who wants to do it 20 times a week?

We also got rid of our 'official' repositories, but SharePoint is not even close to be Sarbanes-Oxley compliant, which creates a ton of manual work and created a task where I have to explain our audit process to auditors on a weekly basis. That's super fun.

if we're heaping scorn on MS products, my current complaint is Teams- some times I can upload documents to a group chat, sometimes not, sometimes the button is there, sometimes I have to drag, and sometimes dragging works and sometimes not, with no error/success message. Why? Why is there a dedicated emoji button, but not an upload button? This is for corporate users, do you think teens are chatting in Teams? No they are not.
posted by The_Vegetables at 6:03 AM on August 20 [3 favorites]

Also, my kids talk on the phone a ton - they even FaceTime a lot, which I personally think is pointless. They are cool at staring at each other's light fixture while they talk, because that is mostly what you see.
posted by The_Vegetables at 6:05 AM on August 20

if we're heaping scorn on MS products, my current complaint is Teams

Sometimes the Teams background filter works, and sometimes it doesn't, so the other people in your meeting can see just how poverty-stricken your living situation is. The only option to make the background filter to work is to quit out of the meeting, and then rejoin it, which works most, but not all, of the time.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 7:30 AM on August 20 [1 favorite]

The_Vegetables the + button, second from the right, will open an additional menu of buttons including the attach button. But of course attach isn't as important as emoji so you have to do an extra click to get to it. I mean, that's just common sense right? Emoji are business critical after all.
posted by sotonohito at 7:41 AM on August 20

My favorite thing about Teams is that the gif deck won't let you search for dangerous no no words like "butt" but if you search for "birthday weird" the third result is an alien twerking in lingerie.
posted by phunniemee at 7:53 AM on August 20 [4 favorites]

Send it to your boss.
posted by phunniemee at 7:55 AM on August 20 [1 favorite]

phunniemee, I just tried that. In my Teams the first gif is a human with a kitten head twerking in front of some trophies. The second is the alien.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 8:39 AM on August 20

The kitten head girl is the scene that follows this one from this clip that has now been lost to the internet.
posted by phunniemee at 9:07 AM on August 20

When I worked support for DocuSign, one thing we had to support was the DocuSign integration with SharePoint.

First, we had to find out if it was a local or cloud install. If it was a cloud, we'd have to tell them it wouldn't work, usually after one of the sales biscuits had told them it would and then take the abuse for it.

And then the entire thing from sotonohito and the ridiculousness of it. Sometimes Sharepoint would just... make the DocuSign connection disappear. Gone. Poof. Having a real estate office come to you with that was always fun, because usually you'd have to hear them talk about needing this done in a half-hour or they'd lose the sale, yadda yadda yadda.

I'd prefer to work with SalesForce over Sharepoint any damn day. At least SalesForce didn't disappear entire custom setups at random times.
posted by mephron at 6:56 AM on August 21 [4 favorites]

one of the sales biscuits had told them it would

Ah yes, the bane of my existence. Also, "sales biscuit" is fantastic!
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:31 AM on August 21 [3 favorites]

Google 'screen calls', answers everything.
posted by gallagho

Although to be honest I only rarely get spam calls, I guess I've been cagy enough to avoid most of their lists?
posted by greg_ace

To belatedly answer my own question, no I have not. Today I had occasion to look at my "recent calls" list, and found an impressive number of spam and misdialed calls that Google's call-screening function never even let impinge on my awareness.

To technology - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems... ?
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:56 AM on August 22

Well, damnit. Spouse has been down the last four days with a gnarly something or other and went to the ER this morning to get checked out as he is officially in the ¡°must see doctor after x number of days due to a permanent underlying condition¡± category.

The verdict is a gnarly virus. Or maybe Lyme Disease, but the doctor thinks gnarly virus. And his D-Dimer was still elevated.

What we did not know is the blood clots he was diagnosed with last fall are still there. One is a bit smaller, nevertheless they persist. His body just ¡°remodeled itself¡± (I love that the doc used that phrase, it was funny and vivid and a really great way to bring medical jargon down to an understandable level) to work They might be permanent. Which is NEWS. That the hematologist he saw earlier this summer did not communicate. Or maybe he did, spouse¡¯s brain goes SQUIRREL! when he is nervous and he forgets things.

Anyway, spouse was sent home with the instructions to rest, hydrate, up his blood thinner and call the hematologist ASAP.

But the ER doctor was great. Really, really great.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 2:00 PM on August 23 [1 favorite]

The kitten head girl

I read this as "the head girl was a kitten" - having written a paper about head girls at schools last year. I would like to attend that school. Well, I wouldn't, as I cannot think of many worse things than re-attending school, but it would be better if a kitten were in a position of authority.
posted by paduasoy at 4:52 AM on August 28