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“Grated cheese to be renamed Pulled Cheddar”
August 22, 2017 10:29 AM Subscribe

Here on Albion, recent times have not been good for this ancient food. In Brighton, a travelling cheese festival ran out of cheese, causing concern at future locations. Before this, a similar discontent occured at a London cheese festival. Eleven blocks of prize-winning cheese were stolen. In an episode of Midsomer Murders, a wheel of cheese was the weapon of choice. An attractive sculpture in Hull was rejected, and more hatred. To top it all, people have started adding avocado to Mac and Cheese. In positive news, “Cheese is more accessible than ever”, a cheese toastie truck, Liverpool is the city to go to, and Pavé Cobble is named the UK’s champion cheese. Related: how long can you store cheese?, the Illuminati of cheese, and the post title.
posted by Wordshore (57 comments total) 22 users marked this as a favorite

MOAR CHEESE
posted by Melismata at 10:34 AM on August 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

Albion was the original name for Minneapolis. It was even voted for and everything.

That has nothing to do with this, but it's a factoid I like to share, like the fact that the original name for St. Paul was Pigseye. Sometimes writers, trying to be clever, will refer to Minneapolis and St. Paul as Albion and Pigseye.

Oh, I just checked. That was me. I'm the only one who has ever done that.
posted by maxsparber at 10:34 AM on August 22, 2017 [20 favorites]

Cheese it, it's the cops!
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:37 AM on August 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

DMI's most recent hit is the Quesalupa, a taco with about five times the cheese as Taco Bell's already cheesy Crunchy Taco.

Damn you, Cheese Illuminati, damn you!
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:37 AM on August 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

Oh, the cat's eaten it.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:42 AM on August 22, 2017 [12 favorites]

I live just a couple of miles from some of the UK's best Stilton producers. I seem to be a bit allergic to it, but it's so delicious I don't care.
posted by pipeski at 10:52 AM on August 22, 2017 [3 favorites]

Yes, but what can I do with eighteen pounds of ... oh, it's Wordshore.

Fun fact: Lester Red and the Stinking Bishops is the name of my hypothetical musical act which has an unreasonably large touring company.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:06 AM on August 22, 2017 [12 favorites]

Albion and Pigseye

The wackiest superhero duo ever!
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:07 AM on August 22, 2017 [4 favorites]

Moderate derail: Isn't 'Pavé Cobble' redundant? Don't both refer to a paving stone?
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 11:09 AM on August 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

Let me provide the soundtrack for this post
posted by soren_lorensen at 11:14 AM on August 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

I knew who posted this from the title alone.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:23 AM on August 22, 2017 [6 favorites]

These cheese mega-threads are really never going to stop, are they?
posted by thelonius at 11:30 AM on August 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

Richard Clothier from Somerset-based Wyke Farms saw his champion and reserve champion blocks, or truckles, stolen overnight on Saturday.

He said it "beggars belief" the two blocks, which each weighed the same as a bag of cement, could have been stolen. He has offered a ?500 reward for their safe return.

"One of my ancestors had his cheese stolen in 1879, but it has not happened to me and I've certainly never heard of thefts like this from a show," he said.

AskMe has led me to totally normalize cheese theft as one of those "yeah, that'll happen," things.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:31 AM on August 22, 2017 [13 favorites]

Having now clicked through the links, I have to say, those are some real weapons-grade puns in some of the headlines.

Also that avocado mac-and-cheese looks revolting and probably isn't particularly "low-calorie."
posted by uncleozzy at 11:38 AM on August 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

The thing about avocado is that I love avocado, but avocado is there for creaminess. I don't know why you'd add avocado to something that is already creamy. If you just told me you wanted to make something like mac and cheese but with an avocado sauce, I could get behind that, but avocado plus cheese seems like overkill.
posted by Sequence at 11:41 AM on August 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

Was the theft related in any way to this ask? I'm guessing they changed some details of the cheese types to make it less obvious..
posted by Grither at 11:42 AM on August 22, 2017 [5 favorites]

Hahah ok, I think I'm missing something because I just noticed both posts are by the same person...
posted by Grither at 11:45 AM on August 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

vermont cheddar is better FIGHT ME
posted by poffin boffin at 11:55 AM on August 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

If it's only 18 pounds, it's a very small wheel of cheese.
posted by Bee'sWing at 11:56 AM on August 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

20 comments and nobody said...
MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN

In an episode of Midsomer Murders, a wheel of cheese was the weapon of choice.
A variation of the Alfred Hitchcock TV show where the wife killed her husband with a leg of lamb, cooked the murder weapon and fed some to the investigating detective. He asked where she got the yummy glaze and... well, it was the victim's blood.

And I was just in the supermarket wondering why 8 ounces of sliced cheese costs 50 cents more than the same size package of the same kind of grated cheese. Isn't it easier to cut it once?
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:59 AM on August 22, 2017 [4 favorites]

but avocado plus cheese seems like overkill.

people very strongly believe that if you add avocado to something that is somewhat unhealthy due to fat and/or sugar content, it will magically become "healthy" due to the presence of a green thing despite the offending fat and/or sugar remaining in the recipe

"healthy" recipes on recipe blogs are one of my rage-induced fugue state triggers
posted by poffin boffin at 12:01 PM on August 22, 2017 [9 favorites]

All Mac and Cheese is healthy.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:09 PM on August 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

Red Leicester or Double Gloucester ? than American sharp cheese.
posted by Bee'sWing at 12:11 PM on August 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

All Mac and Cheese is healthy.

Especially Rob Feenie's Lobster Mac n' Cheese.

One of the tricks I picked up from it is infusing the milk you use for the bechamel with whole garlic cloves, then removing them before starting to make it. Subtle, but niiiice.

He uses gnocchi for extra "OMG this is dense," but obviously you can use any pasta. I've done it both ways.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:31 PM on August 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

Also, the tag list for this post are the mandatory elements in your next NaNoWriMo assignment:

UK
Britain
England
cheese
festival
event
Brighton
MacAndCheese
Birmingham
avocado
storage
food
fresh
London
illuminati
MurderWeapon
theft
stolen
FoodTruck
cafe
sculpture
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:41 PM on August 22, 2017 [6 favorites]

I'm with poffiin boffin on the VT thing. Cabot is the next ZIP code down from me.
I'm pretty sure I eat 3 times as much cheese as I did in 1970, but I mostly don't drink milk now, so it probably balances out.
(Living near Cabot means I'm not too far from Hill Farmstead)
posted by MtDewd at 1:06 PM on August 22, 2017 [3 favorites]

I'm interested in trying Red Leicester, but the Co-op said they don't stock it anymore.
How far do I have to travel to find it?
posted by MtDewd at 1:15 PM on August 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm interested in trying Red Leicester, but the Co-op said they don't stock it anymore. How far do I have to travel to find it?

One has connections and will send one the GPS coordinates of a field to meet in at midnight. Come alone, and listen for the goat.

These cheese mega-threads are really never going to stop, are they?

One is terribly sorry, but one suspects that one will have to grin and camembert it.
posted by Wordshore at 1:31 PM on August 22, 2017 [12 favorites]

The "murder by leg of lamb" story is by Roald Dahl and is called "Lamb to the Slaughter" and we read it in high school!
posted by Huffy Puffy at 1:35 PM on August 22, 2017 [3 favorites]

I found a pot of Ported Stilton in the back of my fridge from some years ago.
It was just beginning to get ripe.
It cleared my house of visitors and tasted just nice.
posted by Burn_IT at 1:52 PM on August 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

These cheese mega-threads are really never going to stop, are they?

We have plenty of threads about video games and politics elsewhere on the bleu; if cheese threads aren't to your taste you'd brie welcome to explore other options.
posted by nickmark at 1:52 PM on August 22, 2017 [7 favorites]

Cheese it, it's the cops!

As an addict who eats an average of at least half a pound a day (mostly New Zealand cheddar, buttressed by the occasional odd block of blue, Gruyere, Parmesan, or Gouda), I'd be more likely to say 'cop it, it's the cheese!'
posted by jamjam at 2:11 PM on August 22, 2017 [4 favorites]

The world is becoming more of a Ffordean future by the day. Is war with Wales far behind?
posted by angeline at 2:13 PM on August 22, 2017 [3 favorites]

wot no previously?
posted by mwhybark at 3:22 PM on August 22, 2017

Probably had no raclettion of the thread.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:25 PM on August 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

indeed, there was a previously but disguised, presumably so as to keep the cheese cops off the scent.
posted by mwhybark at 3:31 PM on August 22, 2017

Speaking of cheese cops previously...

I found some Red Leicestershire online, but it's $38 a pound.
Also- forgot to mention that my passport expired, so I won't be traveling to Norway either.
posted by MtDewd at 3:50 PM on August 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

Last year my wife and I traveled to the UK and stopped by the Wensleydale Creamery cheese shop. We picked up a new yummy blue, which was actually a big block of red with veins of blue running through it. When we purchased it, it was provisionally named Dalesman Blue. Now it's officially named Blue 16. Cannot recommend it enough; good luck getting your hands on it outside of Yorkshire, though.
posted by infinitewindow at 4:41 PM on August 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

These cheese mega-threads are really never going to stop, are they?

tread caerphilly as there are many cheese lovers present
posted by poffin boffin at 4:58 PM on August 22, 2017 [4 favorites]

vermont cheddar is better FIGHT ME

I shall fight on your side this time, my friend, but then you and I will have to square off. New York vs. Vermont, a sharp cheddar in the right hand and a quart of maple syrup in the left. Loser rides home with Massachusetts.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:21 PM on August 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

Vermont cheddar is better

Agreed. I join team Vermont.

Pulled cheese

This is pushing it. It's grated. It's already grate!

Avocado macaroni and cheese

No. I SAID, NO!

Cheesus Christ, what is wrong with these millennials.
posted by floweredfish at 6:09 PM on August 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

Drought in California (last year when the fruit started to blossom; the rains were better this year but didn't help yet) has caused an avocado shortage and dramatic price increases. It's getting more expensive to be a hipster.

But you can always go to Trader Joe's for some "Unexpected Cheddar".
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:08 PM on August 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

Like an unexpected cheese,
An unexpected cheese,
That only we are eating...
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:20 PM on August 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

Damn it you guys, now I want cheese. And I don't have cheese. And I'm not wearing pants, which makes going to the store more of a burden than one might imagine. I mean, I could put on pants, but then I'd be wearing pants, and still not eating cheese. Curse you, Wordshore, you triple cream tempter.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 8:11 PM on August 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

Several years ago we were headed to Mayo Clinic to visit my father. We had a little kid at the time & needed a diversion. A little town near Rochester was having a 'Cheese Festival.' What could be better--we imagined cheese sandwiches, cheese muffins, cheese everything. What we found was no cheese at all and major disappointment. That event has been known as the 'Cheeseless Festival' forevermore. We just drove by that town recently and of course wondered about the fate of the Cheeseless Festival.
posted by Nosey Mrs. Rat at 8:48 PM on August 22, 2017 [2 favorites]

Here in Central Coastal California we use any excuse to stage a festival, and just a couple months ago, we had a Macaroni and Cheese Festival, with various restaurants' versions, wine and beer tasting and live music. It's held at multiple locations each year (this is the 6th year here) and they just did another one last weekend in Albuquerque. Hope nobody took a wrong turn.
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:11 PM on August 22, 2017 [1 favorite]

Ok let us get this cheese party turned up a notch. For those looking to expand their pallette a little beyond some mild cheddar you might like this piece by Will Self on Queso de Cabrales (The Devil's Shit) subtitled A major hallucinogenic drug experience in cheese form.
posted by numberstation at 2:22 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

Cabot cheddar for lyfe!

When my wife and I visited Vermont a while back, we skipped Ben & Jerry's and went straight to Cabot. They had a cool tour and tons of free samples and were super nice and introduced us to ginger infused maple syrup which is a magic trick in a bottle. Finding their white oak aged cheddar here is a chore, but that only makes the find more of a special event.

I do not genuflect at the altar of terroir often, but anything Cabot, Clemson Blue, and Rogue Caveman Blue may be exceptions... Other than these, make it well and I'll be happy.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 8:56 AM on August 23, 2017 [1 favorite]

As Stephen Fry once said: cheese is the celebration of what happens when milk has gone off big time stylee. Still brings a smile to my face when I look at the sell-by date on my parmesan.
posted by fregoli at 12:58 PM on August 23, 2017 [2 favorites]

My friend tweeted about the cheese theft. I replied with the link to Wordshore's ask cheese me.

His reponse? "OMG - that's mental".

Something about which I think we can all agree.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 2:43 PM on August 23, 2017 [3 favorites]

Emmental. OMG - that's Emmental!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:46 PM on August 23, 2017 [7 favorites]

The French are not happy...
posted by Wordshore at 5:08 PM on August 23, 2017

update im eating the most obscene brillat savarin i have ever had the great privilege to shove feverishly into my slavering craw, i might believe in god now
posted by poffin boffin at 9:15 PM on August 23, 2017 [3 favorites]

Have you accepted Cheeses as your savior?
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:14 PM on August 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Cheesus as my savor", you say?

I did that years ago.

(Link is to one of my favorite comments of all time.)
posted by jamjam at 3:16 PM on August 24, 2017

brillat savarin is proof that there is a god who wants us to be happy.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:19 PM on August 24, 2017

and gassy
posted by poffin boffin at 6:07 PM on August 24, 2017

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“Grated cheese to be renamed Pulled Cheddar” August 22, 2017 10:29 AM Subscribe

“Grated cheese to be renamed Pulled Cheddar”
August 22, 2017 10:29 AM Subscribe