Gosh, is it just me, or was this always a terrible idea and shouldn't have taken 5 years to come to that realization?

I mean, if you really want a magnet attached to your hand, couldn't you just ...wear a ring?

...or literally anything that wouldn't get ripped out of your body and bounced around like shrapnel in an MRI?
posted by leotrotsky at 11:17 AM on July 28, 2017 [12 favorites]

Founder Amal Graafstra told me that sales had been going up, until the 2016 presidential election ¡ª when no one bought anything for a full week.

Shaken, Graafstra sat down and thought about who was buying his products. ¡°Really it just comes down to people that are excited about the future in a very basic sense,¡± he says now. ¡°I think one way or another, people lost faith in humanity, and in a sense lost faith in the future. And had much more pressing current concerns than, ¡®What am I going to do with this cool implant?¡¯¡±

Yeah, that sounds about right.
posted by rewil at 11:17 AM on July 28, 2017 [37 favorites]

This would make a good Viz story - 'The Crap Cyborgs'
posted by KateViolet at 11:21 AM on July 28, 2017 [7 favorites]

A magnet ? Well, it's chips (previously) now-a-days the crazy kids are implanting.
posted by k5.user at 11:22 AM on July 28, 2017

Well, your problem is that you're going with a rare earth magnet instead of an electromagnet (Wikipedia, with full plot of Sleight).
posted by filthy light thief at 11:23 AM on July 28, 2017

I also want to know - what was the future that was going to come (but didn't) that would require a magnetic finger...?
posted by KateViolet at 11:23 AM on July 28, 2017 [37 favorites]

Well, it's chips (previously) now-a-days the crazy kids are implanting.

And by "kids" you mean "the prison-industrial complex," right? Just clarifying, for the record.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:23 AM on July 28, 2017 [13 favorites]

"Grindhouse Wetware"

That is at least as thoughtful and modulated a piece of branding work as naming your limo service company ?ber.
posted by mwhybark at 11:24 AM on July 28, 2017 [3 favorites]

"the prison-industrial complex,"

Dunno about them, but I have seen folks claiming it's fulfilling the number-of-the-beast being tattooed on everyone prophecy.
posted by k5.user at 11:30 AM on July 28, 2017 [2 favorites]

Replacing/repairing damaged kit has always been my issue with grinding.
posted by Samizdata at 11:32 AM on July 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

I also want to know - what was the future that was going to come (but didn't) that would require a magnetic finger...?

From the paragraph right before the quoted one, it's not that anybody expected a specific use case for an implanted magnet, they're mostly symbolic:

For me, though, the metaphorical value is the point. The magnet was a little piece of the future, and its slow loss coincides with a period of pessimism that¡¯s much bigger than me.

I'm reminded of the neolution guy with a tail from Orphan Black. It served no practical benefit, it was just a sign of his dedication to the philosophy.
posted by tobascodagama at 11:37 AM on July 28, 2017 [8 favorites]

The whole "don't worry, we'll be fucking around with people's nervous systems soon!" is frankly terrifying. My wife works at a medical device company that makes collagen patches - basically an inert matrix that the body uses as a frame to regrow tissue - and the amount of regulation and testing that they have to go through for such a simple thing is astounding. Having some "body hacker" just decide to start cutting themselves open and dropping whatever in there is crazy.
posted by backseatpilot at 11:39 AM on July 28, 2017 [14 favorites]

Fingertips just seem like a good locus for sensing things or picking them up. Until you have to slice your finger open to retrieve your dead magnet. I guess you could have, like, a thimble?

Anecdotally, a person on the autistic spectrum said on social media - sorry that I can't track down their post - that they implanted a magnet to stim with, so that's one possible use that I think is fairly practical and that doesn't depend on other tech.

Also take a look at Zoe Quinn's detailed write-up about her magnetic implant, where she gives reasons like feeling a greater ownership of her body and being able to sense which wires have current running through them.
posted by knuckle tattoos at 11:44 AM on July 28, 2017 [2 favorites]

This made me wonder what's happening with all those people who were into that trepanning trend a decade or so back?
posted by Miko at 11:47 AM on July 28, 2017 [9 favorites]

Lol, I should've actually read through that Zoe Quinn article before writing my comment, since she answers a bunch of stuff I was just speculating about.

Q: Why fingers?

A: The short answer is that they're sensitive. It makes sensing what the magnet does that much more pronounced, just simply because you're jamming it into a bundle of nerves. However, people do get magnets elsewhere, including on different spots on the hand with a romantic partner so they feel that tug when they hold hands.

Q: How does this influence your relationship with technology?

A: I'll be able to give a better answer for this once my finger's fully healed, but as a game developer already it's really goddamned cool to be able to *feel* the tools I make art with. Even in the minor ways it's already working, I feel more than ever that the computers I pour code and art into are extensions of myself, and that's pretty goddamned cool in my book, but I am hopelessly romantic about creativity and prone to fits of stereotypical artist bullshit so, grain of salt.

Q: Can't you glue magnets to your fingers and get the same response?

A: No, because you're not literally encasing them in sensitive nerve endings. Beside that, I'm in the "body modification is meaningful to me on more than an aesthetic level" so I'd no sooner want to glue a magnet to my finger than I would a sticker of an earring to my ear or draw my tattoos on in sharpie.
posted by knuckle tattoos at 11:53 AM on July 28, 2017

I still really want a magnet implanted, but I do enough detail stuff with my hands and fingers that I wouldn't want to endanger that in even one finger.
posted by fiercecupcake at 12:14 PM on July 28, 2017

Having some "body hacker" just decide to start cutting themselves open and dropping whatever in there is crazy.

Do you want Tetsuos? Because that's how you get Tetsuos! /archer.gif
posted by Strange Interlude at 12:36 PM on July 28, 2017 [10 favorites]

the magnet tugged and tickled when it got close to hard drives and speakers; around microwaves, it outright buzzed.

The speakers I can believe, and maybe the hard drives, but I'm pretty sure the microwave buzzing was imaginary.
posted by rocket88 at 1:02 PM on July 28, 2017

Meanwhile, the massive wave of press that magnet implants got in the early ¡®10s has ebbed.

What "massive wave"?? I try to generally keep up with things, and I was absolutely unaware of magnet implants being a thing until I read this article.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:12 PM on July 28, 2017 [4 favorites]

I can see it being the basis of some cool magic tricks.
posted by adept256 at 1:16 PM on July 28, 2017

Any disturbance in a tiny pond looks, relatively speaking, like a massive wave.
posted by Grangousier at 1:17 PM on July 28, 2017 [2 favorites]

What "massive wave"??

It wasn't a massive wave, but I remember these kinds of DIY CYBORG ZOMG stories making the rounds for a while back in the '00s in tech/culture blogs like Boing Boing or Slashdot, and occasionally seeing them pop up in mainstream sources like Wired or Popular Mechanics. It was never a huge fad in the fidget-spinner/slap bracelet sense, but the idea of sticking magnets/electronics under your skin had a certain hip cachet with the folks in body mod/hacker circles.
posted by Strange Interlude at 1:22 PM on July 28, 2017 [12 favorites]

but I'm pretty sure the microwave buzzing was imaginary.

Maybe something like the power supply or something 60Hzish in the circuitry before the actual 2.4GHz microwave stuff.
posted by sebastienbailard at 1:32 PM on July 28, 2017 [2 favorites]

This made me wonder what's happening with all those people who were into that trepanning trend a decade or so back?

Ugh. People need trepanning like they need a hole in the head.
posted by leotrotsky at 1:33 PM on July 28, 2017 [41 favorites]

Ugh. People need trepanning like they need a hole in the head.

I'd rather die than give them control, that's for sure.
posted by maxwelton at 1:49 PM on July 28, 2017 [22 favorites]

I'm pretty sure the microwave buzzing was imaginary.

They call it a magnetron for a reason.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:46 PM on July 28, 2017 [1 favorite]

They call it a magnetron for a reason.

But the magnetic field for the magnetron is static, maintained by permanent magnets. Microwaves are, however, powered by very hefty transformers which people often rewind to make welding machines and such. The magnetic field to transfer a kilowatt of power from the primary to the secondary is probably very noticeable via magnet finger.

The surprise for me is that magnets ... expire? Since when?
posted by Bringer Tom at 4:00 PM on July 28, 2017 [4 favorites]

I still want to do this. But there are all sorts of ways in which it endangers my livelihood so unless it is proper medical care, it's not happening. Sadly.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:40 PM on July 28, 2017

Now the magnetism is fading...

"I want more Teslas, fucker!"
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 5:37 PM on July 28, 2017

This made me wonder what's happening with all those people who were into that trepanning trend a decade or so back?

That would have worked if you hadn't stopped me.
posted by Strange Interlude at 5:43 PM on July 28, 2017 [5 favorites]

The surprise for me is that magnets ... expire? Since when?

You can demagnetize with heat, but at that point your finger would probably be on fire, too.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:44 PM on July 28, 2017

The surprise for me is that magnets ... expire? Since when?

Some of them were just breaking up in the finger.
posted by sebastienbailard at 6:16 PM on July 28, 2017

They call it a magnetron for a reason.

But the magnetic field for the magnetron is static, maintained by permanent magnets. Microwaves are, however, powered by very hefty transformers which people often rewind to make welding machines and such. The magnetic field to transfer a kilowatt of power from the primary to the secondary is probably very noticeable via magnet finger.

The surprise for me is that magnets ... expire? Since when?

Chaos, man. Magnetism requires a very specific alignment of electrons. Since entropy always increases (and the finger magnets are obviously being exposed to multiple magnetic fields of varying strength, polarity, and vibratory frequency), it would make sense that eventually those alignments would shift out of order and return to the status found in the majority of of naturally occurring ferromagnetic metals). Nature tends to disorder, not order. Also, see the above comment on heat and magnetism (since heat adds energy and increases disorder).

QED!

(Right?)
posted by Samizdata at 8:02 PM on July 28, 2017

Gosh, is it just me, or was this always a terrible idea and shouldn't have taken 5 years to come to that realization?

The people who did it were generally annoying idiots even then, yes.

See also Kevin Warwick.
posted by Artw at 9:27 PM on July 28, 2017 [3 favorites]

I know many of the rare earth magnets lose their magnetism very rapidly if they get wet, which is why they're often encased in (shiny) metal. Of course the prospect of a rare earth magnet leeching into my bloodstream puts me solidly into the "oh hell no" side of the implanted magnet discussion.
posted by straw at 9:37 PM on July 28, 2017 [2 favorites]

The sixth sense compass sounds so cool, but I wonder why the hell the implants part is necessary. This would be so easily doable with a simple add-on to a normal belt. Once you get used to it, you are going to remember to wear it, and if it does go wrong or need upgrading you do not need to cut open your own body.
posted by Meatbomb at 10:18 PM on July 28, 2017

you do not need to cut open your own body

You say that like you think that's a good thing.
posted by flabdablet at 3:41 AM on July 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

See also Kevin Warwick.

I'll see your Kevin Warwick and raise you a Stelarc.
posted by acb at 5:15 AM on July 29, 2017 [2 favorites]

A co-worker of mine has a magnetic implant. He claims when he was working as an electrician it was really useful for determining if a wire was live. Now he just uses it to put new employees' MacBooks to sleep with his "mystical powers".
posted by jferg at 6:39 AM on July 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

I still want to do this...posted by geek anachronism.

Do I even need to say it?-sterical.
posted by adamgreenfield at 11:02 AM on July 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

Be extremely dubious of any company claming that their product can influence your circadian rhythm. The research on how it and melatonin actually work is still theoretical.
posted by Brocktoon at 1:48 AM on July 30, 2017 [1 favorite]